...there is a garden. Really. Pulling back long runners of wild greenery, I find a garden, or at least a piece of one - variegated leaves of contrasting green planted as a part of someone's vision of their home. Could have been my Kenny. I can see him hastily digging a hole and planting his latest addition from the nursery. Got to do it NOW, you know. Or maybe it was our son, doing one of the many chores assigned to him at the drop of a hat by his dad. Or perhaps Kenny's parents, who in their turn, had passed away from one form or another of cancer, too. But there it was, a little garden growing underneath the weeds. Healing is like that. No matter how deep it gets buried, whether smothered or strangled, there is that life force within us that perseveres. And do you know what else can be found under the weeds? Space. That's right, space. In some places, clearing the weeds away I found nothing - well, not exactly nothing. There were scrambling crickets and long wet earthworms hurrying to burrow back into the rich earth. But there was no garden, not even a remnant of one. Everything had been smothered away. I looked at the uninterrupted brown - a wide open invitation for more weeds...unless I planted something in their place. And healing is like that, too. Not enough to do the work of clearing things out and letting go. We need to choose what to bring in. We have to embrace. And then I come back in, pleased with my mind's pondering, and I check my email. There's the from . It reads, Of course. And healing's like that, too - coming to you with multi-layered meaning for your multi-layered life. You know, sometimes with the passing of my sister and Kenny, I feel like an orphan. I know I have family through my children and grandchildren, and I can't begin to tell you how blessed I am by them. But when I look to the left and look to the right, there is no one standing beside me anymore. And it's been a long time since I looked behind me, for I know there hasn't been anyone there to lean against from my family of origin and theirs for more years than I care to remember. But it's days like today, when Life seems to speak to me through weeds and dirt and half buried flowers, and then taps me on the shoulder to whisper another delicious thought using those same images, that I realize just how not alone I am. And I think maybe I'm not such an orphan after all. Demian, ~DreamSinger

I didn't post this on Thanksgiving here, but feeling grateful is appropriate on more than just one day. So I'm posting it now... I'm thankful for the love I had inside of me that enabled me to survive an abusive childhood. I'm thankful for the innocence within each and every person that can never be hurt or destroyed...hidden from view, tucked deep away inside, perhaps, and forgotten, but never defiled, never damaged...no matter what damage may be done. Thankful this place of purity and innocence remains alive, an inexorable part of our being, and for our healing journey to rediscover and reconnect to that source of innocence. I'm thankful for the moments of peace and beauty I experienced as a kid when nobody was looking...that one very late sunny afternoon in the Fall at the playground, when all the kids had gone home for dinner and I lingered to savor in the moment...how the golden light on the grass made the green more vibrant than anything I've ever seen...and in that moment the essence of beauty came forth and claimed me for its own. I'm thankful for people who ask questions, who seek meaning and when they find none create their own...so beautiful and empowering....flying even with broken wings, lifted up and sustained by the currents of love, of spirit and conviction. I'm thankful for friends...and enemies, both who support and reveal, who provide me opportunities for insight and growth. I'm thankful for forgiveness...not only for others but for ourselves...not necessarily having to be given through us if we are not ready, but always accepted by us as we are healing. How wonderful not to be condemned to carry the burden of our pain and anger forever! I'm thankful for each loving, vulnerable and brave heart, for the people who‚ share their stories, who have inspired me with their strength and vulnerability, and for the people who read who touch the lives of others even by their silence, their caring not being without impact and power. I'm thankful for family, for my sister who faced her challenge with cancer with dignity and grace, for each moment I got to be with her, for the touch of her soft hands and the healing love of her smile, for my children and the reminder that life is always beginning anew. Happy Thanksgiving, and may you savor your own reasons to be thankful, opening yourself to receiving more and more as each day unfolds.

The other day, I read a post by Ronni Bennett, "". There were a number of comments, including mine, sharing where we were financially at the later stages of our lives. Most of us who commented that day did not expect to be where we are today, financially. And I thought about not only the circumstances that led me here, but to the choices I've made regarding money over the years. It's hard for me to charge for my services. Most of my speaking and singing engagements have been free. I devote huge amounts of time doing things I get no financial compensation for. It would be fine if I were independently wealthy or was supported by someone, but the person I have to rely on that for is me. In my last comment on Ronni's post, I wrote: So many of us older people, and especially women who find themselves divorced at this stage of their lives, find ourselves barely making ends meet. We don't even want to think about what will happen if our health fails or some major event happens that we can't cover. We just make it from current paycheck to current paycheck. I find myself needing to step back and reassess my situation. I love what I do in this virtual world. I love connecting with people and offering help. I love writing articles that may inspire and receiving email. I'd love to get more interaction on this blog, but the occasional email I get from someone who says my writing and music has made a difference to them means the world to me. But that doesn't put food on my table or enable me to care for my child or myself in my old age. So, how do I do this? How do I find balance between service and...well, service to me? As a woman, I'm so geared to nurturing and being there for others. I don't want to drop that. I just need to find a way to balance it. Last night I spent several hours, helping two people I love very much get their affairs in order so they could help one another in their living situation and be more financially stable. As I was driving home in my car, realizing the heater had just stopped working and facing the upcoming winter now with the prospect of no heat in my car, I thought, "" And I realize that's a question I really need to answer. Well, I hope this day will be a blessing to you...and that as you go about your way making the world a little better place, you will take the time to make your personal world a little cozier and secure for you. Talk to you later. Demian, ~DreamSinger

Happy Birthday to Me! "No Apologies" Copyright 2007 DreamSinger No apologies, sensuality belongs to me All the lies are fading, truth and power waiting Here for me... No apologies, all the roads I’ve traveled for so long Make me realize I’m strong and proud of who I’ve Come to be... No apologies, time is really not the enemy Gifts abound that only those who live the years Can truly see... No apologies for the love I feel inside of me Hold the writer’s pen and play with grandchildren I’m so happy! ….Seasons come and go and I am growing old Now, hear me sing... No apologies, oh no apologies…no, no, apologies Oh, no apologies, sensuality belongs to me Life is full and rich and twilight promises There’s more to see... And more to be... And more to know... And more to grow...

Do you ever do that? Wind up living your life for someone else...everybody else? Could be for very good reasons for very good causes, but still one day you find out that you've been spending so much time meeting the expectations and needs of others that you've become a stranger to yourself. The opposite of this would be narcissism, which seems to be quite common these days, too. But I'm talking about letting your own dreams and your own passions go by the wayside while you answer the call of everyone else. And you know, there really is so much that needs to be done. Today, I was heading out the door after spending a day working on a project I've been meaning to get to forever. My youngest daughter is away for almost two weeks, and for the first time in 25 years I find myself without a minor to take care of. I knew I'd be heading into the studio to record...for the first time in almost two years. I got into my car, drove down the lane and thought, "Wow...I feel like I'm taking back my life." And it felt really good. I liked it! I still need to meet my responsibilities and I want to. Homeschooling, taking care of my loved ones are a very big and important part of my life. But after a wonderful recording session I realized that I need to live *this* part of my life, as well. Truly live it. Music is not my hobby any more than breathing is. What does living *your* life look like to you?