If anyone has ever lost someone closed to them like I have, you will understand
Just like writing songs I guess!
Solo Songwriter been playing for years now, play most instruments and just love writing tunes.
Story behind the song
A song written after when my twin brother took his life through depression and not being able to cope on his own (god he was so shy). It's a song for him to let him know I did understand why, and sorry I just let you go without saying goodbye. He told me he was going to when we got back to an ex girlfriends house I was staying with and sort of seeing to keep everyone happy after being out and quite drunk. After playing my keyboard him singing (Bridge over troubled waters was the last song I played, he did have a nice voice) and our usual mad funny happy discussions I was tired and laydown on the sofa to go to sleep listening to Passion Peter Gabriel. After a while he came over kissed me on the head while I was falling asleep and said "I love you, I'm going to kill myself, I feel so alone" I just said to him "go and f*** ing do it then", because I felt so angry about him saying it, but knew really how sad he felt inside and just wanted him to try and be happy, but knew I had to let him go to make his own choice as we were drifting apart to conform with society and the stigma of being a twin, just happy doing our music living at home with our parents at the age of 27 (who sets these f*** ing rules of life). But when I went home the next day hoping everything would be ok, my mother found him, just sat there in the back garden frozen when he could have just gone in to the house. My family thought he was just to drunk to get in, and was messing about, but I Knew from the moment I saw him sat there, I could not tell them he had done it on purpose or why, it would have destroyed my parents and family at the time to know why he did it. So I carried the burden for over 10 years eventually telling them when I could not take it anymore, and to hope they could understand and cope with it easier, put into a song exactly one year after his death but never played to help my pain, suffering the guilt and lie I was hiding to protect them and eventually Letting Go. Goodbye Dez I Love you to.
Lyrics
Why, in the light of whats happend here today
why did you have to throw it all away
because there were times I could feel the same
no tomorrow every day the same
and I gave it my best for you
but my best was not enough to pull you through
so you left me alone in fear
to ask of why it happend is not clear
were you so saddend to cope inside
my life was crushed before my very eyes
and to never see you again dont heal
so how can I live when I can not feel
I cant hide, I cant hide the pain
its eating me away inside
sometimes I really need you by my side
and if I had the chance again
I never ever let you go again
I strike a deal with God Amen
to bring you back and take my life instead
I cant last if Im living in the past
it will just turn out the same again
I can not go on haunted with this pain
its time to let it all go away
to get my life back before I'm insane
but if you knew how hard I tried
to keep from them the reason why you?
