My Hitch in the Chinese Navy
This is about deciding what to be when you grow up. For me, I never coulda guessed.
C.O.W. (Creative Older Woman) takes up slammin' with dark humor and biting sarcasm. Not your momma's poetry.
What I do is slam and stand-up. To hear me, click on the music link.
Story behind the song
"Who am I?" is a life-long question. Here's how strange the answer can be.
Lyrics
My lifelong heroes have always been Mother Theresa and Bugs Bunny. I know, at first glance, these two make strange bedfellows. Okay, at fifth glance they don't have much in common.
Still, these two characters live inside me. On the one hand, I love the idea of saving orphan babes and dying old people on the mean streets of Calcutta. On the other hand, I really don't do shit. Which kind of lets out nursing the masses who tend to be covered with shit, up to their eyeballs in shit, causing shit, raising shit, shit-for-brains... let's face it, shit defines us, Shits-R-Us, we're the shits. Shit.
They say you get your goals from the parent of the opposite sex and your method from the parent of the same sex. My dear old dad wanted to be a big success which, in his mind, was making a million dollars. Chump change these days. He came pretty close to it the day he announced he owed a million dollars which was the day before he went bankrupt.
My goal is certainly not to earn a million dollars because I've noticed life is a complete bore when you have to get up in the morning to make your own money. Shit.
So, who am I? Wha' choo think of Momma T? No? Wascally wabbit with a heart of gold?
I am exactly 14 months away from my 60th birthday when I absolutely will stop worrying about what I'm going to be when I grow up.
My dad had another goal. He wanted to nuke the Chinese before they nuke us -- save the world for capitalism, I guess. He never guessed the communists would make such kick ass capitalists.
Oddly, I grew up to spend two semesters at a Chinese military university, attempting to teach naval officers how to speak intelligible English.
I thought this was a good idea for a number of reasons. One, they offered me money. Two, I had just read about the atomic bomb dropped on Nagasaki. Turns out the Japanese government, having noticed the disappearance of Hiroshima, had already surrendered. But interpreting the message took a little longer than the Americans cared to wait. So they crispyed up another city to drive home their point which was “the war is over”.
Teaching in the Chinese Navy was fun except for the day NATO bombed their embassy in Serbia. The guys were testy about that.
Another day, I showed up to find the students milling around in groups muttering darkly. They had appointed a spokesman, always a sign the teacher is in big trouble. Here's what he said: Do you believe Chinese scientists stole American nucleur secrets?
Jeez. Whaddaya say? What I said is this:
“I dunno but if they did I have just one comment... “
Put out your hand, I told the spokesman. He did and I shook it. “Good job!
They liked that.
