21 June, 1263 (12.10 pm) - Brahan Flaake, seer to Haakon IV, King of Norway, predicts that oil will be found under the North Sea. 21 June 1263 (12.15 pm) - Flaake tells Haakon IV of his prediction. Haakon IV immediately realises the strategic importance of Scotland. He puts off his plans to attend an Abba tribute night and instead assembles an invasion fleet. 22 June, 1263 - Shuggie ‘Crystal’ Ball, seer to King Alexander III of Scotland (known as Alex The Red) predicts North Sea oil, the Eurovision Song Contest, the Viking invasion and Cadbury’s Mini Eggs. He immediately tells Alexander, who cancels his attendance at a Sidney Devine concert and makes plans to repel the invasion. July 1263 - assembly of Haakon’s fleet is delayed pending the arrival of building instructions from Ikea. 10 August, 1263 - Haakon puts to sea with his fleet. The journey takes four weeks. En route, a Viking named Sonne Ericsson invents the mobile phone. 15 September 1263 - peace talks take place. Alexander tells Haakon that he can have sovereignty over Kilmarnock if he calls off the invasion. War becomes inevitable. 2 October, 1263 - Duncan McVitie, commander of the Scottish forces at the Town of Largs, enters hospital with digestive problems. 3 October 1263 (1.00 pm) - Haakon’s fleet, lying off the Ayrshire coast, is scattered when the Caledonian MacBrayne ferry from Wemyss Bay to Rothesay steams right through it. Haakon and 10 of his longships are driven on to the Largs shorefront. 3 October 163 (2.00 pm) - Armed with crates of Skol and an Abba Greatest Hits CD, Haakon and his men gatecrash a party being held at Largs by the new commander of the Scottish forces, the Earl of Lanliq. 3 October, 1263 (5.00 pm) - trouble breaks out at the party, when Tumshie McMaddie tells a crude joke about Ulrika Jonsson and a Kit Kat. McMaddie is immediately banjoed by Athletic Viking Ulf Tupperware. Sonne Ericcson films the incident using his newly invented camera phone. He later posts the footage on Youtube and is credited with inventing happyslapping. 3 October, 1263 (5.01 pm) - a general scuffle breaks out at the party. The violence lasts for three minutes, during which time McMaddie gets his own back on Tupperware by giving him a wedgie. Each side sustains identical injuries of four black eyes, three bloody noses and two sair baws. 3 October, 1263 (5.04pm) - the fight ends. Scots and Vikings sing each others national anthems. A passing Eurovision judge awards the Vikings nil points and declares the Scots to be the victors. Scottish king, Alex the Red, tells reporters that he’s “pwoud, very pwoud.” 10 October, 1263 - the party ends and the Vikings return home, promising to return Orkney and Shetland to Scotland. In return, Greenock names it’s football club after the lead singer of A-ha. A KW tale.

"Most of us have heard of the famous Scot, Robert Watson-Watt, and will know him as the man who did so much for Britain in the dark days of World War 2 by developing the world's first working radar. Some may even be aware that he was a descendant of the famous Scottish engineer and inventor of the first practical steam engine, James Watt. Few will be aware, however, that Watson-Watt had a less well-known brother whose contribution to literature should never be under underestimated. William Watson-Watt (well-kenned wit and worldly-wise womaniser) invented alliteration whilst working as a window washer in Wick in the winter of 1921." Guglielmo Marconi (Pioneer of short wave pasta)

Guy Debord was a Scot, who by a strange quirk of fate, was born in Paris of French parentage in December 1931. A writer, hedonist and French Situationist filmmaker, Debord was also a founding member of the opposing groups “Situationist International” and “Antisituationist International” as well as being a leading player in the early seventies craft movement “Letraset International”. His greatest claim to fame, however, came whilst studying law at the University Of Paris in 1954 in which he became the first man to attempt to define the concept of “psychogeography”. Unfortunately, only the criminally insane could fully appreciate his concept, and his work has been largely consigned to the bargain bins of provincial branches of HMV. He died alone and destitute in a Parisian brothel in 1994 from a lethal combination of excessive bishop-bashing and thinking too hard. more pish like this here... http://www.spanglefish.com/Cambusdoon

Meantime, Marquess Hamilton’s MP4-22 is rescued from the gravel trap by one of the 250 cranes which adorn the trackside at Bernie’s special request. He rejoins, shorn of his outriggers, in last place but on the same lap as the leader. As the Safety Car peels into the pits, the entire field (with the exception the two McLarens) follow it in. All are in desperate need of fuel. Due to some more scheming on the part of certain interested parties, the fuel in the teams’ refuelling drums has been swapped for Gatorade. One by one, the engines splutter to a halt. All except Kimi’s Ferrari, that is. Thinking on his feet, he opens the fuel filler of his F1-2007 and pees into the tank. He zooms out of the pits, the V8 revving its head off on its new diet of neat Finlandia. As drivers, mechanics and team principals desperately scurry around the paddock looking for fuel, the two McLarens are now running one-two and are nose to tail. Duke Hamilton is pressing hard. He takes the inside line into turn one. Alonso resists and the two silver cars duke it out onto the back straight. Alonso battles hard but his team-mate’s car has the edge on speed as they head for the braking area. Realising that his title has gone, Alonso throws his toys out of the pram. A flying rattle hits Prince Lewis squarely on the crash helmet, bounces into the airbox and is devoured by the Mercedes V8. Flames belch from the rear of the number 2 McLaren and Hamilton pulls over into the infield, his race over. Alonso can barely contain his delight. He is laughing so hard that he forgets to brake for the next turn, ploughs straight through an advertising hoarding and ends up beached in the kitty litter. Although there are 10 cranes within 50 metres of the stricken McLaren, none move to assist him. That leaves Kimi in the lead, followed by Sutil, Ant and Sato – all of whom have refuelled their cars with fuel siphoned from the McLaren motorhome’s generator. Kimi takes the chequered flag and is declared WDC; Bernie’s sombre mood cheers up when he’s invited to Kimi’s post-race party; Fisi and Ralf escape and join the British government; James Allen enters a balloon race, and wins; Mark Blundell’s contract with ITV ends – he joins the cast of ‘Oliver’ in the West End; McLaren’s R&D and testing budgets are slashed after the team pay their fine to the FIA, but the team scrapes together enough dosh to buy a copy of the new Scalextric Track Plans booklet; Jean Todt announces his retirement from motorsport – he stays on in F1; Alonso sues Hamilton, demanding that he pay for a new rattle; and DC announces that ‘2008 will be my year’. None of this could happen. Or could it?

Alonso turns up at the circuit to find that his engine has, after all, been changed.......................for an old tractor engine bought by Ron Dennis from a local farmer. This attempted sleight of hand backfires when Alonso reports that his car is up on power compared to previous races. Qualifying goes badly, though, when he is relegated to the back of the grid as a result of allegations that his eyebrows are moveable aerodynamic aids. The Alonso camp make a quick phone call to Seville and arrange for a barber to catch the 'red eye' to Sao Paolo. Sir Lewis Hamilton OBE, KG, WD40 (all honours being 'in the post') is awarded pole position by the local race organisers at Bernie's suggestion. His grid slot is delineated in gold leaf and he is carried to the car in a chair borne by James Allen, Peter Windsor and Jackie Stewart, whilst garlands are thrown at him by Bernie's minions. Ferrari, meantime, do not have their problems to seek. Kimi flies in from Dubai, after 10 days of intensive ‘training’, clutching an inflatable dolphin, a jumbo consignment of prophylactics and several large bottles of duty free vodka. Massa, meantime, is the victim of foul play after someone spikes his dinner - fish fingers and alphabetti spaghetti - with hallucinogenic tomato ketchup. He is declared medically unfit to race and is last seen wandering around the paddock telling everyone that he is Matt Damon. Sebastian Vettel also misses the race after a self-inflicted cut to his face. A sheepish Toro Rosso spokesman explains that it was Seb’s first-ever shave. Webber mutters something about ‘kids.’ After a less than stellar 2007, Rubens Barrichello is delighted to be mobbed by fans looking for his autograph. He is rather less pleased when it emerges that they have all mistaken him for Kelsey Grammer. Button and DC spend a night in police custody, after being mistaken for members of an outlawed Village People tribute act. Ralf and Fisi both announce that they have F1 contracts for 2008. They are immediately carted off by men wearing white coats. Nothing happens to Nick Heidfeld. He’s too boring. The race starts and ends in controversy. Baron Hamilton’s car is fitted with a 200 litre fuel tank and outriggers, making it approximately 20 feet wide. He is also given a one minute head start on the rest of the field. At the end of the first lap, it’s Viscount Hamilton, followed by Kimi, Nick, Webber, Kubica, the Renaults, and Trulli. Alonso’s challenge is further hampered when he finds his MP4-22 hooked up to a mobile burger van. Undeterred, he sets off in pursuit of the field. The order at the front remains the same until lap 30 when a bottle of lemonade falls from the back of Alonso’s MP4-22 burger van. The bottle splits and deposits a small amount of lemonade on the track. Earl Hamilton’s leading MP4-22 is the first car to encounter the spillage, resulting in him losing control and paying a visit to the gravel trap at turn 3. Kimi shoots by into the lead, followed by Heidfeld et al. Back in the pits, Bernie is apoplectic. He quickly pulls himself together and brings his insurance policy into play. Bernd Maylander is immediately despatched from the pits in the Safety Car: a 1931 Fordson tractor, bought from the same farmer who sold Alonso’s engine to McLaren. The field once again bunch up, restricted as they are to the tractor’s 15 km/h top speed. Alonso decides that this is an opportune time to detach the burger van from the back of his McLaren. As he pulls over in front of the main grandstand, fortune shines on him. A watching JPM agrees to buy the burger van lock, stock and barrel (especially stock) on the spot. Free at last of the van, Alonso cunningly tops up the MP4-22’s fuel tank using a vat of vegetable oil before haring off to join the back of the crocodile following the Safety Car. Meantime, Marquess Hamilton’s MP4-22 is rescued from the