What is freedom without restraint? The ability to accomplish so so much and deny myself everything I want. The true question is...do I want it. Best for me but unaccommodating to my lifestyle. So systematic and cold. A picture frame with no warmth, no pride, no want. Why do I toil to disown my own achievement? Because it is not my want, nor my drive. My throttle is the pen with which these letters form from my blackened blood. So much to say and so few words to put the pedal to the floor. Now down on my luck, and I have arms to run to, but shall I cry...ALMOST! as I lay in darkness wondering what do I change? What new routine do I create? For the old is destroyed among its convoluted excuses for failure. I am the excuse. DAMN! I know all to well that self-realization is hard, but for the first time in my life...I am blinded by a defining moment on the horizon. The light is too bright; approaching me in complete mystery. No signs, no warning...only arrival. A message that now is the time. What I should have realized. I am my own worst enemy and my own best friend. Demeaning and participating in what I consider sin. So what saint am I to excel? Blind; I shall wait for that answer.

Evidence taken. Thoughts expected. None received. Words end at the heart's departure and disregards arrival. Sex. A process. A creation. Divine at times, shattered dreams for me. I don't remember...where it was I lost my way, and still I find my way to you. Now, I ask myself is that good or bad, right or wrong, glorified or demonized. I would if I could, but the strength escapes me like the words have suddenly to you. There is no message. There is no commitment. No decisions in the night. Drowned doubts in confident waters filled with memories and blessings. Now I'm the one drowning. Will I ever wake up from that lonely slumber to only find that it hasn't ended? Am I playing the scenarios in my mind as this process is happening, giving me the strength to awake from my coma to stop this life. If only it were true, that I could forget for I can't forgive. For I can't function, in lies of darkness. If only you were truthful.

Somebody's face is on the floor and it ain't mine...but I'll let you think it is. Yep, you just got dropped and you think you did the dropping. No, No, No...I'm a mastermind of convoluted words, meanings, ideas, and control. That's right...I controlled your every move and made you do what I wanted you to. So what are you going to do about it?....Oops I forgot you don't know....Damn, I wish I could tell you but I never actually saved your number in my phone like you did mine...soooo YEAH....ANYWAY...I hope you understand...You never 'peaked' my interest. Just something about you that didn't sit right with my soul...or my dick. Yea, I said it and I don't give a damn. What are you going to do or going to say. Hmmm, I'm arguing with myself and it feels good. Relieving the truth...I might hunt you down just to let you know. So you said you're leaving and 10 minutes later I got your text. "We're not going to work," is what you said. Hmmm but let me think...was it me keeping quiet when there were questions you wanted to ask? Was it me saying no when you tried to push up on me? OOOOOO, was it when I decided that I rather have a long phone conversation with a friend rather than talk to you when you were in my face? HAHAHA I'm priceless. Don't you see, it was me that decided for you. When you wake in the morning and decide not to text me....LIKE YOU BEEN DOING....I'll be happy, so will you. Then you'll think...Damn, I had something real and I let it go. You'll comeback and I'll say...NO HO...I LET YOU GO! NOW DEAL WITH THE HEARTBREAK

...And still the pain exists. Thought I let go of you when you said you were through. Thought I could live with you as just a friend.Thought many things about me and you, but all have proven to wrong. I accepted the fact that you'd love someone else, knowing all along you couldn't help but love me. But when it comes down to it, to know you're not with me hurts the most. Cause I was the solution to your problem and the answer to your question, that is clear as day for anyone to see but if this were a test, I'd have to give you an X cause you were wrong more than once before. I'm bleeding inside cause my heart just burst knowing another was the one o so close. Whats insane is that I feel this way and I know you're not the one to blame. Its me and my damn foolish heart for letting you in and refusing to let go. It was my fault cause you said that you'd let him be there and let me just stand here. Like I'm supposed to deal with the all of a sudden emotions flaring inside, when the true question arises...Why the fuck do I love you? That I cannot explain. You don't have to say a thing. I already know. You love me, but tomorrow you won't. Then you're feelings will come back and leave again telling you that you can have whoever you want. Why the fuck do I love you? O how I wish I could say I don't but these tears here would prove me wrong. Nothing you bring into my life is positive but the downhill slope is so fun. Misguided by you, I must move on, and I've known this. Damn, how I've known, but there's this feeling that like a sentence we'll run-on. Why the fuck do I love you? To be honest, I don't know, but this is step 1 of letting go.

Verse 1: There's no excuse, for me loving you all I know is I'm stuck, on you thinking I let go, of the feelings I had but I see in you, the truth I can't stand to look into your eyes cause your smile makes me glow so head down I contradict my heart you know my love is never far Chorus: Am I in love with you? knowing what I'm getting into better yet who loves who? I know you do, I know, you, do In love with your essence I don't want anything else cause I'd give my life for you but will you? Verse 2: How do you fall in love? If you've never fallen out and how do I long for you If you always know I do Just think, in the back of your mind the days we were replay themselves and I know you wonder about them I know I do, what if they were different Chorus: Am I in love with you? knowing what I'm getting into better yet who loves who? I know you do, I know, you, do In love with your essence I don't want anything else cause I'd give my life for you but will you? Bridge: Ooh ooh... reach deep inside and feel the strength ooo... listen to my heart, crying for you I've tried to sleep at night but thoughts of you never go away what questions do I ask? there is no way to approach you deny yourself, what is you tell yourself its wrong when its right a natural chemistry, you can't lie If it were me, I'd change your life Verse 3: If I could, I would forget you but my heart is where you live and it seems I try to runaway but continue to stay...stay... STAY... Chorus: Am I in love with you? knowing what I'm getting into better yet who loves who? I know you do, I know, you, do In love with your essence I don't want anything else cause I'd give my life for you but will you?