How would you feel if someone calls you stupid? Someone you least expects it from? Ouch! If I am stupid, what are you then?

These past few days, I have been in a total mess - physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I am in a state where I don't know about anything anymore. Everything seems so dark and bleak. I am at a total lost. I am struggling to overcome this state I'm trapped in to.. I have been trying to find, reflect and rediscover myself. But all efforts are futile. Hopes are lost. I am exhausted and drained. What pains me the most is that I hurt the person who means the world to me. She had been my rock and my source of strenght. Sad to say, with my present pedicament, I hurt her. I let her down. Worst, I pushed her away. I don't know. My heart is so heavy that I could hardly breath. I am in pain. It is only myself to blame. And I will regret this. I am sorry. "Mo Chroi, ta gra agam duit."

Promises. We give them. We receive them. Sometimes, we break them. We’re actually great at making promises, but keeping them is another story. We are all guilty of breaking promises, I guess. I, for one, have broken some promises I made. Sometimes, it takes me forever to fulfill them. But I do try my best. “I’ll start exercising.” “I’ll start traveling.” ”I’ll write you, I promise.” “I’ll send it to you tomorrow.” “I’ll start saving.” “I will love you forever.” “I’ll buy you that.” Oh, these sound all too familiar. We come up with excuses for breaking those promises as quickly as we make them. How many hearts have you broken for not keeping your promises to them? How many times have your heart been broken because your loved ones and friends, intentionally or not, did not keep their promises to you? How many times have you fooled yourself by not keeping the promises you made to yourself? But the thing about life is, we are given time and another chance to keep those promises. It’s up to us to grab that chance. I admire people who keep their promises, people who know how to keep their word. They show so much respect for the person they made promises to, and so much honesty, a rare trait these days. How many of us are really honest, even to ourselves? How many times have we promised to get fit? Or to slow down? Or to travel? Sometimes, the promises we give to ourselves are the hardest to keep. And I think that it’s time that we become more honest and treat ourselves more kindly. Promise yourself, at least that.

"God is Love; All other Loves emanate from Him." Yes. I always believe on that premise. We love for different reasons. We love on different levels. We love for the sake of loving. We love because we want to be loved in return. We love plainly because we love. But let's not forget that Love is one of the greatest gift bestowed by Him. If we are in the midst of loving, we tend to define it. If things go on our way in the process of loving, we tend to give love the fullest attributes. And if things work as planned, we shower love with all adjectives. But what if it's the other way around? What if something went wrong along the way? It is a fact that we easily make Love as a scapegoat. We easily blame love for our misfortunes. We easily hate love for our failures. What a lame excuse. How unreasonable and illogical can we be? Love, in essence, is good. It is universal. It is something that no words can fully define it. No attributes nor adjectives can fully describe it. It is a mystery and will always remain as such. Instead of blaming love for our misfortunes, for our failures and for making it as a scapegoat, why not look and examine ourselves? Re-evaluate our attitudes. Re-assess our actions. Re-examine our thoughts. THE SUCCESS AND FAILURES IN LOVING CAN AND WILL NEVER BE BLAMED ON LOVE. RATHER, IT IS OUR WEAKNESSES, OUR IMPERFECTIONS AND OUR INSENSITIVESNESS AS HUMAN BEINGS ARE THE MAIN FACTORS THAT DETERMINE THE FLOW THE OUTCOME OF OUR RELATIONSHIPS. In short, IT IS ONLY OURSELVES TO BLAME. ***** photo: Sunset that has a heart shaped reflection. Took that shot last year.

I haven't been in the best of health lately. It has been deteriorating from day to day. I don't know. Maybe this will be my last blog; maybe not. Whatever lies ahead, I find comfort in the knowledge that something great awaits. A place where pain is only a whisper. More than that, it will vanish. I am not complaining of the ordeal that I am in right now. Who am I to complain anyway? This has a purpose. Everything does. I just have to be patient. I just have to reflect inorder to unearth that purpose. I am facing this with all the hope and courage I could muster. And of course, with prayers. I have a great life. I enjoyed every moment of it. Be it positive or negative, I am grateful. I have been bestowed with all the good and bad things life can offer and throw at me. With that, I AM BLESSED. ***** Next week, i'll be going to my "gas chamber" and will be operated upon. I have been informed of my chances. Regardless, I will always have a smile on my face and proud to say, " i lived a great life."