About a week ago, my girlfriend broke up with me citing reasons that I am a good guy but. (there’s always a fucking but) she had trouble accepting that I didn’t enjoy when her misbehaved children were yelling and screaming over the phone when we were talking. Apparently it is my fault that her children are misbehaved and that it was my solemn duty to sit there and endure it. This woman had no idea how hard I tried to be compromising, to be understanding and how hard I tried to be the best man I could be, but still it wasn’t enough. I’ve always had a rule against dating women with children and now I see why. You can’t tell them anything about their children and you have no say in whatever they do regardless of how deep you are in the relationship with them. I’m sad, upset, angry and embarrassed that she chose to leave me because of something that was out of my control and I’m consistently being told by people with children that I don’t understand. Well the way I see things, children are supposed to behave themselves are they not? I’m trying desperately to move on, but it haunts me so bad. This is actually the best I’ve taken any break up, but needless to say, I still want to see the worst things that could ever possibly happen to a human being happen to her and her family. I just want someone to hurt like I do. So many of these fucking women have bastards that you can’t say shit to and then they have the nerve to tell you what you should tolerate and what you shouldn’t. My best friend says that she’ll come back to me, but I don’t know. I’ve never had a woman come back to me after breaking up with me. I will still try to keep my heart and mind open, but it is very difficult. Instead of being the good man that I am, I want to be exacting on everyone, but my success isn’t coming fast enough to tease and provoke so many as they have done me. I’m nearly 40 years old and I have so little to show for what I’ve been through in my life. I’m frustrated and to find a woman who I can mesh with would make things better, but there is always a catch. There is always some shit you have to deal with. How is that fair when I don’t come with any baggage at all? How do women expect to honestly ask of men that they can't produce themselves? Why when I come to the table a provider and decent human being capable of taking almost anything, just get what I want? I am merely voicing my concerns knowing that I'll never get the answers to them. But life is unfair, love is unfair and loss is even worse. The only thing I can do now is move forward and stick to my guns about not dating a women with children. I know that is a tough ask considering the majority of black women are whores that can't keep their legs closed and have an affinity for having children that will likely live in perpetual poverty for the rest of their lives, but I must stand up for who I am, what I want and what I deserve. And with this, I will remind you all that EVERY single one of my exes are in a bad place right now and that is the only comfort I have is knowing that their fate is sealed by the wrongs they have done to me. I will remind of the last woman who didn't "stick to the plan" and ended up in Texas homeless, carrying around the ashes of a stillborn child fathered by a guy she cheated on me with. I expect this and worse to happen to this woman. Fate is indeed on my side and I should smile knowing that it's only a matter of time before she suffers as I have. Have an amazing Sunday SoundClick and America, -gswho

I've been living with my father since moving back to Louisiana, and I'm not completely blameless. I do not do certain things that are of no significance to me or to maintaining the integrity of what may/may not be my house after the old man kicks the bucket. He is not my birth parent, and I'm glad he's not. I have made strides in my life to improve my own well-being under his constant nagging and incessant behavior. I have tried to show my appreciation for being allowed to live here and I have heard him several times talking about me behind my back as if I'm worthless. I try to realize that he is unhappy because of himself and not anyone else. I've discussed with friends, that it's possible that someone has damaged him so bad, that the only way for him to feel better about himself is to absolutely dog anyone and everyone that crosses his path. He asks me if I'm going to give him a grandchild, but has actively tried to sabotage my relationships in the past. As an adult, I try not to let such things bother me, but I am deeply troubled by the emotional abuse this man renders upon the people who have the unfortunate opportunity of knowing him. I try to keep the thought, idea and belief that if I be a good person, then good things will come to me in spite of the negativity that tries to come to me. I have yet to be shown that sentiment to be true. The only thing that has been shown to me is that through weathering such treatment, that I can withstand anything, but the question is, when will it stop? When will I be separated from this issue without bankrupting myself. Another thing that has changed is that I now have a girlfriend and I have been told in subtle terms, that I must try to get out and make a way for myself and get away from this emotionally toxic environment. To be honest, I've gotten comfortable with the few hundred dollars that I have to shell out each month in order to keep myself afloat, but I should leave. The thing about leaving is that if I go, I do not wish to return, I do not want to be at the mercy of someone who thinks so lowly of me and especially, I do not want to get myself into a situation where I find myself returning. He holds all the cards in terms of financial stability and I myself, don't even know what my future holds in terms of where I will be living. I'm almost 40 and I need to get my own space. I have a stable career, but I have obligations of student loan payments that are weighing heavily upon me. I need to realize that I'm not the only subject of this treatment, there is not a single person that he doesn't talk shit about including relatives living or dead. He does them all the same with nothing being sacred. With any REGULAR human being, there are people that we revere, people we respect and people that hold a place in our hearts that makes them special, that makes them safe from the malicious projections we would place on many others. But him, there is no one that he holds in this regard. He keeps saying that "...when God takes me"... and making several statements about his end in an effort to garner sorrow or pity for him. And to be honest with what I know about him, whoever takes him, I don't things will work out for him on the other side as he believes. I have faith, and I try to make sure that I treat people right, not talk out the side of my neck about people and just do what I've always set out to do, which was to ensure that I live my life being a good, decent, God-fearing human being. I'm troubled, but my faith keeps me grounded. I am not lazy, I am not worrisome and I do not cause an undue burden upon any people that know me, but it is evident that someone thinks otherwise and the opinion of one person shouldn't be proof enough for me to doubt my decent nature. I will stay strong with integrity, decency and a sense of self-realization that no one can steal away from me, no matter how wicked they are or how hard they try. Later, SoundClick and America -gswho

You can tell Im bored by the heading. I actually got lots of rest yesterday, but that kind of kept me up late last night. (I took a nap in the day time after work then paid for it this morning.) As for my other troubles, I find it easier to deal with if I just dont think about it. I have and will stick to my original plan of looking forward to my little pieces of happiness and enjoying those, regardless if I have someone to enjoy them with or not. When I think of the happiness I bring to myself rather than the happiness I dont have because I dont belong, it comforts me. It comforts me knowing that I dont have anyone else to depend on for my own pleasure, entertainment or amusement. I can generate it on my own. Like I learned years ago with Mr. Craig, I have to be ok with the fact that people wont like me, and they will never tell me its because of who I am (see the last few entries). I have taken a step to recognize that I know who I am and despite my shortcomings, its a person that garners respect. Also, Im glad to be someone who can operate in my surroundings and just live. Despite the quality of life not being on par with everyone elses, I make use of what I am, have and can get. I now, have no choice but to play the cards I've been dealt, and considering how Ive dealt with things my entire life, theres nothing wrong with that. Have a good evening SoundClick and America, -gswho

05/04/2021 Since my disturbing reality check yesterday that continues and will continue throughout the course of my life, what do I do to get through it? I wonder if there are people who can help me manage this reality I live in now. The reality where I am less than, the reality where I am laughed at, snided and jeered upon. Prior to yesterdays self-actualization memoir, I always had the feeling that people laughed at me, made fun of me and snickered and pointed after I turned my back. Now I know why. I'm now in the process of trying to figure out how do I deal with situations like that. Obviously, blowing up a scene in anger wont do me any good. When I think heavily on it, I try to understand that the best way to deal with something that I cannot control is to NOT deal with it at all. There's nothing I can do to change (1) anyone's opinion of me, (2) my clear mental deficiencies and (3) my position in society. For all parties that are, and are not involved, I'm making it my business to not involve myself into anyone else's s**t or opinions. I need to continue to live my life to my betterment and to quit trying to appease people. You will never fit in, you never be normal, you will never have the sense of social awareness that they have. Get over it. The one thing I can say in this regard, is that (not to brag) I'm mentally tough. How many people can honestly say that if they woke and realized to have woken in the body of someone who is deficient, they would actually see their way through it? How many people would not want to deal with the ridicule, being berated and the stigma that comes along with being someone lesser? I know that dealing with these things has made me as emotionally hardened as I am mentally deficient. The need to rely upon public approval weighs heavily on me, but this can easily be dismissed once I realized Ive been alone all this time and gotten used to it--comfortable with it. I think that's why I like being alone so much, no watching eyes, no laughing, no sneering or snickering as I walk by, just peace and quiet. Peace and quiet helps me think, think of ways that I can move on and obtain the only thing that I am guaranteed and entitled to acceptance. Why does my disability sound like a disorder? I feel like I'm in alcoholics anonymous saying the Serenity Prayer, Lord help me accept the things I cannot change SMH, How would it look if I walked into an AA meeting like, Hi everyone, my name is _________ and I'm mentally retarded. All jokes aside, I know what I have to do, just distance myself from people to reduce the exposure of my disability. Less exposure = less humiliation. Thank you for listening, SoundClick and America, -gswho

I used to have questions about my life and why was I here. I even wanted to end it. Luckily, I believe in my faith too much to send my soul to hell, but to speak frankly, knowing I may never get what I want from this world, I couldn't give a s**t about living. My existence is absolutely f**king useless, so needless to say the only thing I have to look forward to is death. NOTE: (Please America don't take this as a sign I want to hurt myself or someone else, I don't and I wont. I am not one of those p*ssies who give out hints of offing themselves because they're God-less. I believe in God and am not about to send myself to hell because I'm living a life of sub-surface suffering.) I talk about this because for once, I'm being completely candid with you. Please try not to throw stones, I only write for you to read and experience what I am going through. As for my previous comments, I'm going to tough through it. But if the military decides to fire-bomb half my block it wouldn't matter. I have nothing to lose or live for. With what I am enduring, I fully expect there to be something that is the polar opposite of my suffering to be on the other side. TO ALL OF THE FALLEN, those who have taken their own lives, I cant say that's the cowards way out as the idiom goes. You have to have courage to send yourself straight to hell. And if I am indeed the brave one for toughing out life and dealing with it despite my downfalls, the things Ill never have, experiences or even be healthy physically and mentally, I have faith, but I'm also praying that God makes good on his promises. So, at this point, you could say I'm in between hell and a hard place. Each day I wake up, I go through the motions of daily living: hygiene, clothing, sustenance. The few things that get me through, are knowing I have God in my life, one friend who I can tell everything to, and the little pieces of happiness I find along the way. These little pleasures such as TV, movies, mobile games, a little shopping or going for a drive does give me hope that there's more to be had regardless of my problems. See, I ended things on a good note! I have such a mixture of emotions, but I try to stay in a good mood, it helps a lot. Thank you for listening and reading. Until next time, SoundClick and America, -gswho