Tuesday, May 15, 2007 Due to the many years of being reduced to the stereo-typical “mental case” by a society in complete denial of their failure to see beyond “herd mentality thinking,” the only truth I have found is “trust” in myself. Beyond any Spiritual faith, has been a drive to seek order, understanding and sense of why I felt so different. Early in life, the established “mental health system” lured me in to it’s “Web of Psycho-Babbling Pharmacological” frenzy without true oversight in regard to my personal feelings and views of the origins of my supposed illness. Thus causing exacerbated symptoms of a phantom illness, due to reactions from their misuse of medications given to me without a truly informed consent. Regardless of their efforts to reverse the symptoms, my condition worsened (with and without my use of illicit drugs). This pushed away my dreams of any serious career prospects for my life. Recovering from years of institutional rehabs and psyche ward “visits” was and “still is,” more challenging than any perceived mental illness. From the original diagnosis of “Drug Induced Psychosis, through the gambit of Schizophrenia, Paranoid Schizophrenia , along with other Schizoid-affective types of illnesses and disorders, there was actually brief time ( three or four years) when a “Clean” bill of health surfaced. During which time I was discharged from a local community mental health center. That seemed to be a God Send, because it stripped me of all such diagnosis and they told me “Perhaps” I never had an illness “AT ALL!” That was quite a slap in the face after years of being treated with numerous types of nueroleptic, anti-psychotic medications and other Mood Disorder Drugs. Although I was very happy to finally be “Outside the Mental Health System” I began to feel there was still something different and odd about me. After a few years of not being in any treatment, I decided to seek counseling from, Dr. Ira Gross, a Professor at U.R.I. I was told he was a very good Psychologist. In fact he was the head professor of Psychology at the college. Things were going well, but I began getting very depressed, and after one of my first suicide attempts I figured it was time to try making sense of my feelings of social awkwardness. I made a call to the out patient department at Butler Hospital and contacted Dr. Paul Malloy, asking him for a neuropsychological exam. He asked why I wanted such a test, so I explained to him briefly, my history of being misdiagnosed and the numerous treatments I had in the past and to get any meaningful treatment I would need an appropriate diagnosis. He then agreed to give me the exam, even though it was a highly unusual request without a doctor’s referral. The result of the neurological psyche testing was not completely conclusive, but did lean toward a “Bi-Polar, Manic-Depressive” diagnosis. The reason for not being conclusive is because I had been using cocaine often in those years and in fact was up all night using prior to the test. After securing somewhat of a diagnosis, I thumbed through the Yellow Pages seeking a doctor. On the first visit I found she was also Manic-Depressive. I was told Depakote was an effective medication for Bi-Polar, Manic Depression I started on a new course and was determined to get my life back on track. This was in the mid 90’s. Many suicide attempts later and years of trying to cope with this “social” illness, along with its stigma, I may have found the correct combination and dose of medication now which I hope will prove to be useful in a full recovery!