OPENING JARS - She is struggling, you take it from her and pretend she loosened it. SHE DIDN'T, Jars are mens work. CALLING SOMEONE "SON" - Especially Policemen but even saying it to kids makes you the man. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham. GAY. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. MAGIC. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY BLADE - Blunt is it? Hand it over love. No, i don't need a sharpener. What, you think i can whittle? GOING TO THE TIP - A macho act which combines lifting AND driving. DRINKING UP - Rising from the table, slinging on your coat, downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement saying "Lets go" and stride out of the door while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. GOD, YOUR HARD. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - Located in the shed with the sole purpose to stir paint. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it will be a facial knife wound that you got from "Some proper hard bastard", but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. HAVING A HANGOVER AND STUBBLE - When girls have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness sprouting from your face. NODDING AT POLICEMEN - A moments eye contact is all it takes to share the unspoken bond that says "We may not have seen eye to eye in the past but someones got to keep the little A.S.B.O shites in line. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pnuematic drills and Chainsaws. SUPERB. KICKING A FOOTBALL AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Stitch that Becks. I can kick a football so hard i set off car alarms. ARRIVING LATE AT THE PUB..........And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you are popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a femminist issue. Brilliant, now pass the pork scratchings please. CARVING THE SUNDAY ROAST - And saying "Are you a leg or breast man" to all the blokes and "Do you want stuffing" to all the women. CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE NOW YOUR DAD. TESTING DIY ITEMS - In an ideal world B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you looked with tools. Until then you will have to make do with the aisles. TAKING £200 OUT OF THE CASH MACHINE - Ok, its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a Mafia Don. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAT A MINUTE - Unlike women, we get straight to the point. Alright? Yep. Drink. Pub. Seven. See ya. PARALLEL PARKING - Straight in, first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his car has no reverse gears, which technically, makes you the worlds best driver. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in the blistering heat. Why, so when its over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other cradles a beer. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. No, it wasn't much , just a brain haemorrhage. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - A Phillips for that? Are you mad? Wench. TAKING A NEWSPAPER TO THE LOO - A visual code that says "Im going for a huge man sized shit". CALLING YOUR BEST MATE A CUNT - And then punching him on the shoulder. Just a mans way of saying "Your a good mate". P.S Winking does not turn all women to putty ;-)

DANCING WITH MY EYES CLOSED, MY HEART OPENS AND I LET MYSELF GO, MY SPIRIT STARTS SOARING. WITH A HUNDRED SPIRITS, MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS. I AM LOST IN THE MUSIC AND DONT WANT TO BE FOUND. DANCING WITH MY EYES CLOSED, MY SOUL SOARS HIGHER AND DANCES IN HEAVEN WITH ANGELS ALL AROUND ME. IT IS PEACE TO A DRUM BEAT, SWEET BLISS IN THE MUSIC.

OUR EMOTIONAL STATE IS ECSTACY. OUR NOURISHMENT OF CHOICE IS LOVE. OUR ADDICTION OF CHOICE IS TECHNOLOGY. OUR RELIGION OF CHOICE IS MUSIC. OUR CURRENCY OF CHOICE IS KNOWLEDGE. OUR POLITICS OF CHOICE IS NONE. OUR SOCIETY OF CHOICE IS UTOPIAN THOUGH WE KNOW IT WILL NEVER BE. YOU MAY HATE US. YOU MAY DISMISS US. YOU MAY MISUNDERSTAND US. YOU MAY BE UNAWARE OF OUR EXISTANCE. WE CAN ONLY HOPE THAT YOU DO NOT CARE TO JUDGE US, BECAUSE WE WILL NEVER JUDGE YOU. WE ARE NOT CRIMINALS. WE ARE NOT DISILLUSIONED. WE ARE NOT NAIVE CHILDREN. WE ARE NOT DRUG ADDICTS...... WE ARE ONE MASSIVE, GLOBAL, TRIBAL VILLAGE THAT TRANCENDS MAN MADE LAW, PHYSICAL GEOGRAPHY AND TIME ITSELF. WE ARE THE MASSIVE - ONE MASSIVE. WE WERE FIRST DRAWN BY THE SOUND. FROM FAR AWAY, THE THUNDEROUS, MUFFLED ECHOING BEAT WAS COMPARABLE TO A MOTHERS HEART SOOTHING A CHILD IN HER WOMB OF CONCRETE, STEEL AND ELECTRICAL WIRING. WE WERE DRAWN BACK INTO THIS WOMB, AND THERE IN THE HEAT, DAMPNESS AND DARKNESS OF IT, WE CAME TO ACCEPT THAT WE ARE ALL EQUAL, NOT ONLY TO THE DARKNESS, AND OURSELVES BUT TO THE MUSIC SLAMMING INTO US AND PASSING THROUGH OUR SOULS: WE ARE ALL EQUAL. AND SOMEWHERE AROUND 35 HTZ WE COULD FEEL THE HAND OF GOD AT OUR BACKS, PUSHING US FORWARD, PUSHING US TO PUSH OURSELVES TO STRENGTHEN OUR BODIES, OUR MINDS AND OUR SPIRITS., PUSHING US TO TURN TO THE PERSON BESIDE US TO JOIN HANDS AND UPLIFT THEM BY SHARING THE UNCONTROLLABLE JOY WE FELT FROM CREATING THIS MAGICAL BUBBLE THAT CAN, FOR ONE EVENING, PROTECT US FROM THE HORRORS, ATROCITIES AND POLLUTION OF THE OUTSIDE WORLD. IT IS IN THAT VERY INSTANT, WITH THESE INITIAL REALISATIONS THAT EACH OF US WAS TRULY BORN. WE CONTINUE TO PACK OUR BODIES INTO CLUBS, WAREHOUSES OR BUILDINGS THAT YOU HAVE LEFT AND ABANDONED TO ROT AND DECAY, AND WE BREATHE LIFE INTO THEM FOR ONE NIGHT. STRONG, THROBBING, VIBRANT LIFE IN ITS PUREST, MOST INTENSE, MOST HEDONISTIC FORM. IN THESE MAKESHIFT SPACES, WE SEEK TO SHED OURSELVES OF THE BURDEN OF UNCERTAINTY FOR A FUTURE YOU HAVE BEEN UNABLE TO STABILISE AND SECURE FOR US . WE SEEK TO RELINQUISH OUR INHIBITIONS, AND FREE OURSELVES FROM THE SHACKLES AND RESTRAINTS YOU HAVE PUT ON US FOR YOUR OWN PEACE OF MIND. WE SEEK TO REWRITE THE PROGRAMMING YOU HAVE TRIED TO INDOCTRINATE US WITH SINCE THE MOMENT WE WERE BORN. PROGRAMMING THAT TELLS US TO HATE, THAT TELLS US TO JUDGE, PROGRAMMING THAT TELLS US TO EAT FROM THE SHINY SILVER SPOON YOU ARE TRYING TO FEED US WITH, INSTEAD OF NOURISHING OURSELVES WITH OUR OWN CAPABLE HANDS. PROGRAMMING THAT TELLS US TO CLOSE OUR MINDS, INSTEAD OF OPEN THEM. UNTIL THE SUN RISES TO BURN OUR EYES BY REVEALING THE DIS-UTOPIAN REALITY OF A WORLD YOU HAVE CREATED FOR US, WE DANCE FIERCELY WITH OUR BROTHERS AND SISTERS IN CELEBRATION OF OUR LIFE, OUR CULTURE AND THE VALUES WE BELIEVE IN: PEACE, LOVE, FREEDOM, TOLERANCE, UNITY, HARMONY, EXPRESSION, RESPONSIBILITY AND RESPECT. OUR ENEMY OF CHOICE IS IGNORANCE. OUR WEAPON OF CHOICE IS INFORMATION. OUR CRIME OF CHOICE IS BREAKING AND CHALLENGING WHATEVER LAWS YOU FEEL YOU NEED TO PUT IN PLACE TO STOP US FROM CELEBRATING OUR EXISTANCE. BUT KNOW THAT WHILE YOU MAY SHUT DOWN ANY GIVEN PARTY, ON ANY GIVEN NIGHT, IN ANY GIVEN CITY, IN ANY GIVEN COUNTRY OR CONTINENT ON THIS BEAUTIFUL PLANET, YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHUT DOWN THE ENTIRE PARTY. YOU DO NOT HAVE ACCESS TO THAT SWITCH, NO MATTER WHAT YOU MAY THINK. THE MUSIC WILL NEVER STOP. THE HEARTBEAT WILL NEVER FADE. THE PARTY WILL NEVER END. THE DANCE WILL GO ON. I AM A RAVER, AND THIS IS MY MANIFESTO.