Based on a fear that I would eventually yield to the pressure and resume pretending to believe in the church of my childhood.
A guy and an acoustic guitar
Story behind the song
I wrote this song 25 years ago, uncertain if I had the endurance or courage to follow my heart and escape the religion in which I was raised. The metaphor comes from an experience when I was about 12 years old. My scout group went to the planetarium for a star show. I was entranced by the illusion of stars. But at the end, as the house lights began turning on, I found myself straining to regain the illusion of a beautiful sky, which I knew to be a cracked and flawed ceiling. For me, religion has been a similar experience: it was almost convincing for a time. I tried to completely immerse myself in it. Eventually, however, all the stars began fading out and I began to see it as just an illusion. For 25 years I never played this song if anyone was around. Today I'm finally ready. I'm making profound changes in my life and am more open about my beliefs, experiences, and feelings.
Lyrics
They say they're happy for me,
Happy to see I've come around.
I don't know who they have in mind.
I feel like my soul is crumbling down.
I thought this was my life.
I thought this was my life.
Old man slapped my back and popped a smile,
He said, "Stubborn boy, you took a while."
That stupid grin was etched on his face.
Disspirited I just looked away.
I thought this was my life.
I thought this was my life.
I think I finally learned
Why they were all concerned;
They knew I would get burned
If I tried to turn my stride
To where my spirit yearned.
To this room of illusions I gave myself.
One star at at time, though, the visions fell.
I failed to escape my personal hell
And they credit God for serving them well.
I thought this was my life.
I thought this was my life.
I can't quite discern
What led me to return
And in my failure earn
Their deepest pride
Which they confide
They do not deserve;
For they let me have my turn.
Now I'm back in the hallowed halls,
Bound and secure within its walls.
My duty: paint the ceiling with stars
And sing to the world of the glorious cause.
I thought this was my life.
I thought this was my life.
