How the Lovelife of Coelenterates was Granted
Blues: guitar/piano/wind/drums instrumental or vocal. Satirical pop. World. New Age. Neoclassical. Celtic. Musicals. Classical. Opera. Even the odd bit of COu
A mix of Flying Tadpole, Tim Fatchen, and performances of The Internet Opera.
Flying Tadpole has Blues, satire, light rock on offer.
Alter ego Tim Fatchen concentrates on new age/neoclassical, usually instrumental and keyboard based. Styles like: George Winston, Yanni, Enya.
The Internet Opera is musical and light opera, intended for performance with additional artists. Rocky Horror meets HMS Pinafore.
Story behind the song
How the Lovelife of Coelenterates was Granted (Prof Sten O. Fore, with apologies to Pohl & Kornbluth)
NARRATOR
And of course, Veep goes his clever way to ensure that the world will be ready to receive Nolanium with open arms, just as soon as he’d sold all GOUCCI’s oil, uranium, coal and chemical holdings at the top of the market.
Now some, particularly those not on high salaries nor with shares in GOUCCI might sneer from their supine moral position at Veep’s activities, but after all, Veep is working for the best of ends, and of course the ends justify the means, especially where the ends include a lot of money, er.. power, no… , er…a lot of desirable things. Yes. Right. Um…
And nowhere is his generosity and kind advice more evident, and more philanthropic, than in the more obscure reaches of the scientific research fraternity.
(Narrator switches voice to a session chair at a large conference)
(FX applause comes in, swells, stadium reverb)
CHAIR
(Aside)
Is this thing working?
(FX taps mic, feedback howl)
Ladies, gentlemen and persons of other sexes, welcome to the keynote address of the twenty third biennial congress of the International Society for Obscure Invertebrate Ethology!
(FX Applause)
Here in lovely Maui, all expenses so kindly paid by our conference sponsors, GOUCCI!
(FX Thunderous applause)
We are so lucky to have with us tonight a truly renowned scientist, especially notable for the light he has flooded on scientific questions critical to the planet’s survival!
(FX Applause)
And, no need to add, for the magnitude of the research grants he’s receiving, ahaha…
(FX One or two clap, quickly silenced)
And he’s here to share with us all some of his most ground-breaking techniques! So without further ado, I give you...Professor Ian O. Sense!
(FX Heavy applause. Band starts up Major General’s Song)
PROF. STEN O. FORE
Ahem...er..is this thing working?
(FX taps mic, feedback howl)
Ah…er…actually that’s not the right music.
(Band stops. FX paper shuffling)
And…er…actually its not the right name either…um…
(hesitantly)
I’m Professor Sten O. Fore,
(FX more applause)
Thenk you, thenk you…ahem…
[SONG]
(applause, audio fade. Fade to black)
Words & Music Copyright © February 2008 TJ Fatchen All Rights Reserved
Lyrics
I’m Professor Sten O. Fore,
From Backwater U
And I have wise words to say,
And every one is true
For all of you out chasing grants
to ease your research itch
You’ll get there too if you add
“global warming“ to your pitch!
(FX applause)
Take me!.. I was in my lab
Its record case so neat
Ikea desk and IBM
PC, they looked so sweet
Together with my catching nets
My bottles and my jars
My trusty old field microscope
With all its battle scars
But what I really needed
To move research along
Was a billion dollar
Collimated
X-ray synchrotron!
When people gush and goo about all creatures great and small,
The poor coelenterata aren’t considered at all.
“Mere jellyfish” the grant-awarding bodies all opine
Yet jellyfish are central to this passion of mine
We don’t know their attitude to sex and love and life
A lack of knowledge that, one day, might cause a lot of strife
It surely must be one of THE big question of our age
And the absence of researching grants, well, I was filled with rage.
So i sat there in my little lab
Its record case so neat
Ikea desk and IBM
And jellyfishes sweet
And pondered how I could, right now,
on ten grand grant a year
Investigate their love-life
And what coelenterates fear
But what I really needed,
To find what turns them on,
Was a billion dollar
Collimated
X-ray synchrotron!
I tried to hire an East Coast lab, but they said it was flippant
And anyway, my ten grand grant would only buy a minute
And then I met a happy man, all smiling in a pub,
He saw me sunk in sorrows and asked me what’s the rub?
He heard me out, then told me “Sir, if science you’d advance,
Just link to Global Warming, and you’ll get your grants.
There’s nothing too ridiculous, to grab a grant outright
If you use your friends--called, ‘could be’, ‘may’ and ‘might’
And please, remember to ensure you stress adversity
If global warming were to turn your little friends to tea”.
I went back to my little lab
My bottles and my jars
My trusty old field microscope
With all its battle scars
I fought my scientist’s conscience
For a week of days and nights
Then I gave in, because it’s for
Coelenterates I fight!
I had to do just what it takes
To help them get it on
with a billion dollar
Collimated
X-ray synchrotron!
I wrote the application with my conscience on its knees
I thundered, I waxed lyrical on possibilities
of the love life of the jellyfish improving climate models
Of how a jellyfish’s angst might start an ice cap wobble
Of how a handsome hydra might confirm the ‘hockey stick’
Of how a lovelorn man-o-war might cause a methane kick
of how all human effort might tumble into dust
if the love life of coelenterates was one day to go bust
So...
I’m...
Sitting in my little lab
Its record case so neat
Ikea desk and IBM
PC, they look so sweet
Together with my catching nets
My bottles and my jars
My trusty old field microscope
With all its battle scars
And Now! There in the corner!
Helping jellyfish get it on!
It’s...
My...
Billion dollar
Collimated
X-ray synchrotron!
(wild applause)
(band launches into furiously upbeat version of major general’s song)
Thenk you, thenk you…coelenterates, there’s not an asshole amongst them you know…thenks very much, thenk you…
