A fun song / spoof on a classic poem
Pat Lalli is a singer / songwriter from the Clearewater, Florida area.
Artist: Pat Lalli, writer / vocals
Story behind the song
This song was written & recorded as a hoilday gift for my friends
Lyrics
SANTA CLAUSTROPHOBIC (AS OF 10/16/04) PAT LALLI
I WOKE UP AT MIDNIGHT LAST CHRISTMAS EVE
AND HEARD SANTA CLAUS FREAKING IF YOU CAN BELIEVE
HEAD FIRST DOWN THE CHIMNEY, IT HAD SO COME TO PASS
ALL THAT MILK & COOKIES HAD GONE TO HIS ASS
HE WAS STUCK IN THAT HOLE LIKE A CLOG IN A DRAIN
AND HIS FACE WAS AS RED AS A GLASS OF NIGHT TRAIN
HE SAID “BREAK OUT THE CRISCO & COVER MY BUM
‘CAUSE I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I BECOME…….”
(FIRST CHORUS)
...Santa Claustrophobic in the chimney so tight,
he isn't making this a very silent night
we're gonna need the reindeer, rope, and all the elves
if he's gonna make it out with all his jingle bells...
HE WAS JAMMED HARD & FAST TO ALL OUR DISMAY
HE’S QUITE CLAUSTROPHOBIC, ‘TWAS NOT HIS BEST DAY
I SAID, “SOMEONE BETTER ACT QUICKLY OR I’M VERY CERTAIN
THAT PRETTY DARN SOON HIS BUT WILL BE HURTIN’”
HE STARTED TO PANIC, HE STARTED TO SWEAT
THEN HE STARTED TO SWEAR (TO THE NEIGHBORS REGRET)
“WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE SANTA” I HASTENED TO SAY,
“THE CHILDREN ARE SLEEPING AND JUST A FEW FEET AWAY”
(SECOND CHORUS)
He's Santa Claustrophobic and he's in there good,
there'll be no toys tomorrow in the neighborhood
someone best do somethin’ soon or I believe
he'll still be in the chimney, stuck on New Years Eve.
THE ELVES WERE ALL PANICKED, THEY YELLED AND THEY SCREAMED
BUT THEY’RE AS USELESS, AS BULL TITS, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
SO I CLIMBED UP THE ROOF THROUGH THE ICE AND THE SNOW
WITH A BAG OF M-80’S AND YELLED LOOK OUT BELOW
WITH A TREMENDOUS BANG HE CAME OUT OF THE POCKET
LEAVING A TRAIL LIKE A HUGE BOTTLE ROCKET
HE WAS OUT OF THE CHIMNEY, LIKE A SHOT FROM A CANNON
AND AS HE WAS FLYIN’ HIS BUTT HE WAS FANNIN’
AND I HEARD HIM EXCLAIM AS HE FLEW OUT OF SIGHT
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, BUT NEXT YEAR MAKE MINE A BUD LITE
( CHORUS)
..They called him Santa Claustrophobic in the chimney so tight.
And it’s a sad statement that we laugh at his plight
But it’s his own fault that he’s gotten so plump
He’s got to get to the gym and get rid of that rump
Oh Santa Claustrophobic will be OK now
As long as we’re there to help him out some how
We’ll be dropping by the North Pole come the first of the year
With a case of chocolate Slim Fast and a Thigh Masteer
