I was flipping through old martial arts magazines when I came upon a picture of the most intimidating dude I had ever seen: Bart Vale.
Bart admittedly began his martial arts career to "improve his street fighting skills and give him an edge in the neighborhood brawls he never shied away from".
Despite a "taste for violent physical competition", the 6'4" 260 pound Vale still finds time to maintain his ultra intimidating moustache and mullet.
Those who would dare scoff at this mountain of a man should keep his impressive record in mind:
2166 - Bart Vale is born (with handlebar moustache) and travels backwards in time to kill Sara Connor.
1984 - Vale sees someone else already on the job, and decides to grow a mullet and bench press 300,000 pounds instead.
1986 - In addition to rigorous weightlifting and hair maintenance, Vale takes up punching people in the face.
1987 - Growing tired of bullying mere citizens, Vale decides to pursue a career in martial arts.
1988 - Defeats every martial artist on the planet, and devours their children.
1989 - Outside an east-German bar, Vale head-buts a man through the Berlin wall, starting a historic chain of events.
1991 - Vale invades the small country of Kuwait in order to kick lit matches into oil wells.
1993 - Inducted in the World Martial Arts Hall of Fame, never shows up for induction ceremony because he was too busy being awesome.
1994 - Takes up competitive break dancing, chokes all 287 competitors to death, wins.
1995 - Vale consumes every single drop of alcohol on the planet in under 5 minutes, leaves fist marks as a tip, then drives home.
1997 - Promotes two series of instructional martial arts videos entitled "the ancient art of stomping people to a fleshy pulp" and "You were alive ... yesterday"
1998 - Vale is featured on the cover of a popular sports magazine. Upon glancing at the cover, every subscriber is instantly atomized, yielding a series of 500,000+ megaton explosions world wide.
2000 – Learns to shoot lightning bolts out of his eyes, wins Nobel Peace Prize by sheer intimidation.
2002 - Releases first solo album. Tracks alternate between recordings of Vale destroying instruments/equipment while verbally and physically assaulting various staff members, and chaotic thrash metal 80's cover songs with Vale playing bass and growling violent threats.
2003 - Embarks on tour to promote album. Tour is cancelled after 15 minutes due to every member of the crew being hospitalized or dead. Vale declares his music "too awesome for mortal ears!!!"
2004 - A class action lawsuit is filed against Vale by family members of his dead/maimed former road crew. Miraculously, every person involved in the case gets punched into a different dimension. When asked about the disappearances, Vale pumps his fist threateningly and yells "street justice baby!".
2006 - Currently traveling the world in order to bully and assault various world leaders and icons.
So what does all this have to do with the song? I couldn't really tell you ... thats just the way my brain works.
