Dhaka-dice
This is not as much a side-project to Fungus (since Fungus IS pretty much my solo project anyway)
as it is sort of a test tube where I try out my ideas to see what they sound like with full instrumentation.
Most of these songs are written for Fungus and will be played live and maybe even recorded in a real studio some time in the future, so a lot of the songs are really "Fungus" songs that are complete even before the other members have even heard them.
You could say they are to demo recordings what regular demo recordings are to professional studio recordings.
I also use the pseudonym "Dhaka-dice" when making hip-hop beats. But I'm not sure I can upload all my beats, as some of them contain samples that haven't been altered enough for me to be able to call them my own.
Anyways, if you're curios about what I'm doing, feel free to listen.
Story behind the song
Well, once again, I met a girl.
As usual, I fell in love and of course she did not.
She was virtually an incarnation of everything I've
always wanted, wanted to be and several friends I've had in my life.
She did not just remind me of what I wanted as a teenager, this harkened back all the way to my earlier years.
I was also moving into the same building as her (I met her after we got the appartment so I didn't do it to be close to her, although it seemed pretty sweet to be living so close) and I was packing up my things I found an old writing book in which a friend who I hade during the first 6 years or so of grammar school.
There were notes, drawings, stories from when we were roleplaying and. I also found some of my own notes and pictures from that time.
This girl was also into roleplaying and stuff like that. Roleplaying (both the D&D type and live role-playing), politics, good music. She was also the best lover I've ever had.
She was the girl of my dreams.
And we had some friends and aquintances in common too.
But after 2-3 weeks, she said that she didn't want a relationship (she claimed she "didn't have time") but she still wanted to continue having sex with me. Naturally, I thought it was better to have sex with your crush every week than not seeing her at all so we continued meeting.
I was hoping that she'd eventually have feelings for me and that our non-relationship would evolve into an actual relationship and she'd maybe even stop being embarrassed and trying to keep our relation a secret (it turned out she didn't want some people to know about us). But that was not what was to come.
Then the wretched day came when we hade become neighbours and everything was going to be all good. Comments like "Oh, that's great. Then I'll just have to come over when I'm feeling horny" had caused me to do the most stupid thing you could ever do (especially when it comes to love), I've started to expect something.
Alas, that darn girl had gotten contacts, so now she could see how people looked. She even told me that before, everyone were just squishy unfocused blobs but now she had perfect sight.
I think you all can see where this is going.
With perfect sight, she was no longer attracted to me and she even stopped answering my messages.
At the time this song was written, she was not speaking to me anymore or even pretending to see me when we passed each other by. If we'd share the same tram home she'd sit as far away from me as possible.
Even down to this day, I still don't understand what I did that was so horrible that she wouldn't even talk to me or pretend that I existed.
It felt like she thought she had been doing some kind of charity and my sorry ass should be glad if someone wanted to touch me with a six-foot pole.
The fact that it was after she got contacts makes this anecdote a worthy competitor to one about the time when I got dumped for a highly non-attractive and unintelligent guy in wheelchair.
It makes me feel like I'm at the bottom of the food chain of love, an affectional cripple, an appendix to the omega.
Lyrics
Please help me
I can't do this by myself
Just want to be somebody else
I don't take this kind of thing well
Won't you try being kind to me?
In your world
I'm nothing but shit
Still wanna be a part of it
In your world
I'm nothing but dick
Can't you see that I'm a human being?
I know...I should stick to my own...kind
But I...wish you still were...blind
My life
frozen in amber
I gave you everything
and you swallowed it all
My love
all you give is anger
I guess I should be grateful
that I ever got a glimpse of your
Charity
You got me
on my knees
I really hope you can see
Your world
is perfect and pure
I can't see
what you needed me for
My world
is sordid and bleak
How I wish
I could break through to you
In your eyes
I'm ugly and weak
Oh, what a deal of scorn
looks beautiful
You don't think
that memories stick
Let me tell you they most certainly do
You pass me by
like I don't even exist
What the fuck did ever do to you?
I know...I should stick to my own...kind
But I...wish you still were...blind
I don't...want to be left behind
But I know...I was just the next in line
My life
frozen in amber
I gave you everything
and you swallowed it all
My love
all you give is anger
I guess I should be grateful
that I ever got a glimpse of your
Charity
You got me
on my knees
Don't think I can't see
You're too good for me
I'm just
the appendix
of an omega
I need to get out of this
I know...I should stick to my own...kind
But I...wish you still were...blind
I don't...want to be left behind
But I know...I was just the next in line
You get me
on my knees
I can see
I wasn't anything to you
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