A few words about my "illness" known as self-mutilation. This is something that I felt had to be done.
Mad props to Abnotic Records on this beat!!!!!!!!!!!!
Been into this rap thing for 20 years now, listening and studying more than practicing. At 25 years old, I'm finally making moves. Yeah, it's long over due, but it is all in due time. Listening to my songs and checking out my page, people may get the idea that J Malice is a monster or sicko; couldn't be further from the truth. J Malice has a heart and is willing to bet any amount of wealth that it's bigger than anyone who chooses to come through here. Don't judge a book by it's cover. You have to open the pages and read inside if you really want to know about someone.
Story behind the song
For about five years now, I've had a tendency to cut my arms when emotions are at their highest peak. I'm not afraid to admit it's a problem and the psychiatric wards haven't been able to cure it. Truthfully, I'm not even sure if thre is a cure.
Lyrics
Waking up, a room with no doors/
shiny, as if I'm walking on aluminum floors/
pretty good idea, though not clear of what I was doing before/
I fell asleep, a day full of gloom is in store/
my view is only that of gray and white padded walls/
memories go back to days and nights in a plain right attic hall/
drift away, but only for a moment, that's all/
conscience says I must warn my arm cutting mentalities to back off/
but I can't harm myself in here, there's nothing to grab/
need to talk with mom and say something to dad/
I'm sunk, lost and need someone to latch/
grab my hand, pull me out of here cause I'm not sure where the phukk I'm at/
I hate myself and wanna die, let me add to the scars/
that are already showing on my slashed up arms/
action of harm will fix everything back to norm/
my satisfaction passion can surpass this form/
of human torture, in a place with no clues/
retrace all the steps I decided to take in my shoes/
remember an episode of late night case of abuse/
alcohol is involved and there's a blade on the loose//
slowly being traced over the top of my skin/
this feeling wasn't new and I knew I had to hold it again/
my record I had, I watched it flow in the wind/
losing touch with all the ones I'm always knowing as friends/
This hurt that I inflict, covers up the hurt/
which in the long run only ends up doubling the hurt/
I live my life for only what it's worth/
it's phukked up, my future holds nothing but dirt/
nobody ever said there'd be no complications/
struggle comes before the celebration/
attention or suicide, I'm told hell is waiting/
it takes away the pain, that's my theory on self-mutilation
Pain on the inside needs a way to burst/
despite my people saying that only makes it worse/
it's how I know to turn away from the hurt/
feel like my purpose on this Earth is just to wait for a hurst/
how long will it be before I lay in the dirt/
this world is draining me, constantly in my head and grating my nerves/
the cold, sharp metal makes my blood race with no delay, in a spurt/
maybe I need a church and that could be replacing a nurse/
when my emotions have reached their highest peak/
pressing down on the skin with a blade or knife is my relief/
now have to open the cabinet with peroxide beneath/
because all the pain is rushing out from inside of me/
every drop of blood is another ounce of pain gone/
gradually making my way up and out this rain storm/
raid the band-aids, can't show how my arms stay torn/
long-sleeved shirts and say I'm doing it just to stay warm/
it's obvious now where this room is/
I can't even help myself without people thinking my behavior is abusive/
it makes me feel better, how is that stupid/
all that progress I was making and now, ya'll ruined it/
if you have any time that you can take to hear me/
listen, that might be what it takes to steer me/
they say cutting my flesh is a problem, very sincerely/
whatever takes away the pain is my self-mutilation theory
This hurt that I inflict, covers up the hurt/
which in the long run only ends up doubling the hurt/
I live my life for only what it's worth/
it's phukked up, my future holds nothing but dirt/
nobody ever said there'd be no complications/
struggle comes before the celebration/
attention or suicide, I'm told hell is waiting/
it takes away the pain, that's my theory on self-mutilation
