The Tampon Song (revised)
This is a revised edition of an old song that I recorded back in the day. Now updated, with extra lyrics (if you can call them that.) And a fat new beat.
comedy, punk, hardcore, maybe even a little funk if I get around to it. I'll play it all, and I'm not afraid to suck at it, either.
Hey, my band includes me and my computer, which I now dub a sentient being. Good computer. I've been playing around with recording for a while, these are the fruits of my labor.
Story behind the song
I was at a festival for some purpose, and I had just read a pamphlet about how tampons can give women cancer. A few minutes latter I asked some friends what I should sing about.... and hence the tampon song was born. The original was recorded with just an acoustic guitar in the background. This new version has a little more "flavor" and updated lyrics.
Lyrics
excuse me, is this thing on?
Ladies and Gentle-boys... I came here to tell you a story, a story of
womens suffering, and the evils of tampons.
Here we go, you see...
It all starts when a young girl is somewhere between the ages of 12 to
14, and a mysterious red blotch apears in her nether regions,
unbeknownst to her. Yeah the other kids will probably let her in on it
though, calling her something like "blood butt" or "red dot crotch."
So after a good cry she asks the female figure in her life what to do
about it. Well, she has the answer, stick this little tampon in it,
that'll stop the bleeding! Yep that's right, better put a gag in that
beaver before it bites someone.
But what the female figure forgot to tell her is that this evil white
hole plug is made of Rayon! and rayon my friends is the root of all
evil. It's soft, white, and pretty much harmless looking, besides the
fact that to a 12 year old girl 5 inches still looks like a lot to
take in, but underneath that frail exterior my friends lies the heart
of a beast, created with bleach. And every 12 to 14 yr old girl knows
you don't stick bleach up your hoohaa! That's right your funny spot
has better things intened to go in it, like fingers and barbie doll
feet and little boy penises.
But back to Rayon!
The chemicals that are formed in the proccess of making Rayon cause
strange things to happen after years and years of use. Things like
Cervical cancer! and other bad things that generally aren't good.
But of course, the little girls don't know this, so they go ahead and
start a blood clot with the cancer blot all the while mutating thier
little love bunny into a ferosious beast until one day the white
knight known as the doctor must go in with his trusty short sword and
slay the monster before it devours the girl whole. But alas, he must
destroy the baby machine to do it, causing the woman to feel quite
literally, empty inside.
But what alternatives does the girl have, pads? So she can walk around
all day smearing her misery into her pubes like charley swarming into
the jungle. Is she doomed to a life of slowly walking down the isle of
shame trying to keep senses about her while she is onslaughted with
pastel colors and smells previously only known to exist inside
grandma's bedroom.
Well yes, if the media has anything to do with it. They don't want you
to be happy, or feel proud. Then you might do something with your
life, and well... who would feed Lassy then, not timmy, no he fell in
the well agian.
Oh god, what a world, were we are taught to be afraid of a little
blood. Just capture the stuff, make a little game out of it. At worst
you can throw it away when it's all over, and at best you can use it
as a device to control men. Honey make me dinner or I'm putting it in
your beer! Yeah, there's a whole new meaning the the frase "red
wings." Lets see him get his chin dirty then.
SO the moral of the story. There is no moral. Just don't fear the
dragon when it awakes for 3 days each month and lets it's red hot
magma flow. And remeber, in the end, if you let it, the tampon will
win. So take out the devil cork you stuck in your bleeding hole and
get out there and have some fun.
