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Pimp Up My Bride
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Traditional country. Accessorize with hip hop scratchy nonsense and coarse lyrics to match.
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Country - Alternative Country
Charts #5,096 today (peak #92)
Charts #861 in subgenre today (peak #18)
Rampant Jake Bullets
Rampant Jake Bullets Moonshine Jug Band
January 07, 2006
MP3 5.2 MB
128 kbps bitrate
5:39 minutes
Story behind the song
Many wives I have had. I wanted another. But although she was fatter than Elvis she also had ideas of her own. Bad move in a marriage.
Lyrics
You know I was dreading my latest last wedding Because I was sober and I didn't have a weapon pressing Into my back, how did I attract her? Her wedding dress was stained with chewing tobacco This is the result it's the end of her game The only thing we had in common was the same surname But if I'm to be honest I'll tell you the truth We share a love of country and we shared the same womb The poison dart of Cupid had struck me in the chest Like the Washington sniper of romantic interest As she walked down the aisle to be wife number five I was waiting for her to say "Hey you guys" Our love is a fairytale, it is a dream That may be but it's Beauty and the Obese She'll cry without fail 'cos she's fat and she's frail She's double the blubber like an emo whale Her jeans always sagged from the weight that they packed Her ass looked like she'd been shoplifting hams The clashing and gnashing of her thighs would appal us Like tectonic plates on a planet made of walrus And a nicotine patch in the shape of James Dean Next to a tattoo that read USMC For once in my life I'd do what is right Swallow pride and valium and make her my wife As we exchanged vows, I kinda wish now Her's was a vow of silence "Like Jordan Chandler?" For richer for poorer, 'til I really annoy her 'Til I download Metallica and I'm savaged by lawyers She's suspicious that she's heading for trouble 'COS LIFE AIN'T NOTHING BUT DITCHES AND SHOVELS Past the honeymoon stage I'll start digging your grave But it's never my fauly you'll be pushing those stalks (chorus) Didn't know wht it was stuck in my head A thought recurring and I wish I was dead Another figure in my log of regret I can't believe that you said "No" Didn't know what it was stuck in my head A new beginning when I thought I was dead I can have another last cigarette I can't believe that you said "No way" I've been married before but never divorced I'm a widowing vessel on a marital course I've stood by more big holes in the ground Than an Iraqi building surveyor I found My first wife Edna she's a little bit dead-na A Russian space probe hit her right on the head-na So I said "Bugger, I don't want to lug her To the cemetery I mean why should I bother?" So I thought "F*** it" now she fits in a bucket When it came down why didn't she duck it Now she lives in my freezer I thought it might please her Not being shot in to the sun like Mother Teresa My second wife Dorothy, oh she was a horror-thy The anniversary of her death if tomorrow-thy One day she said-o "I'm off to the meadow" By quarter past nine she was stone f*** ing dead-o I guess that you know a Russian space probe Struck her, caught fire, but did not explode Hit her on the bracket so I said "Fack it" I call her anthrax girl now she fits in a packet My third wife Martha she used to be Arthur She said the sex change was a total disaster Tit's were lopsided so I decided To send her to the field just a little misguided When she didn't come back in I knew she was lacking A pulse, a head and her spine was a-cracking I admit I was planning it and now she's inanimate We can make love 'cos she had been banning it My fourth wife Hilda was butch as a builder I thought no way space debris would've killed her I stand corrected as I went and collected Her body which had that Mansfield aesthetic Her head was impacted to the size of a matchstick It seems the Russians are getting better through practice Spread like a thighmaster all over the pasture From the gator to the crater she should've mover faster (chorus) I felt like an idiot as my girl in a million Walked down the aisle to the theme from Deliverance She looked at me angrily what was in store for me? A honeymoon packed with sun, sea and sodomy? If Salvador Dali was an architect Or if they made a JFK Mr Potatohead Ugly ass sh** worse than art decko But still you'd have a face like fire damaged lego She must use the same dentist as Shane MacGowan 'Cos half her teeth are missing and the rest are brown But as you have heard at the altar she left 'Cos she thought in a week she'd be meeting her death I'm not that upset you know how fishermen say "Should've seen the size of the one that got away" Find a girl in my bed with no viral threat Round here it's like playing Thrussian Roulette But my wandering eye had found my next bride She would only cost ten dollars seventy five I could have her shipped in from the sweatshop region In a box marked 'Nike' and so it begins She was so pretty, the sweetest of Latino's She gave up stitching footballs and Chino's I explained about marriage but my death grip on Spanish Ain't like an immigrant's on Eurostar's undercarriage So I'll stick the blame on miscommunication She married my brother which wasn't the arrangement But I get the loving and he gets the strife Just think of it as having a surrogate wife (chorus)
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