This song is about the legend of Leapin' Lanny Poffo and the first time I took steroids.
Music is a karaoke version of Coldplay - Clocks by an unknown shmuck, most likely hired for only a day at Labor Ready.
Previous peak charts position #37
Previous peak charts position in subgenre #6
The Randy Savages
May 24, 2005
The Story Of Leapin Lanny Poffo (First Time I Took Steroids)
Words by: The Randy Savages
Music by: Some shmuck*
Let me tell you about the first time I took steroids
I was 12 years old
And my brother, Leapin Lanny Poffo
Said "Hey...you wanna get high, Randy?
Higher than you've ever been before
And I said "Fuck, yeah! Let's do that shit!"
4 hours later...
I found myself lying, naked,
In the bathtub with an erection
My muscles were tense
And I had hair on my chest and on my ass
I got up to take a piss
Saw Jesus Christ over my shoulder
In a reflection in the mirror
Then I saw...
Judas was looking at me from the toilet
And then I realized... "I'm Judas!"
And then Lanny came in and said
"Randy, you're just havin' a bad trip"
And then I blacked out
I hit my mouth on the toilet seat and chipped my tooth
Second time I took steroids
I was 18 years old
My father gave them to me, he said...
"Randy, these are the syringes I used when I was a wrestler"
"And now I'm passin' 'em on to you, brother"
So I shot up
And I went to Wal-Mart to buy him a present
Third time I took steroids
Summer of '73
I was playin' baseball
For Cincinnati... Reds
But, I got fired for using steroids
I went back to my job at BK
I was going to be a wrestler
So I went to see Vince McMahon
(Jacked-up on smack)
He patted me on the back and said
"Macho, you're hired!"
Went back to BK and they said
"You can't quit, you're fired!"
"For using steroids"
"Was that really necessary?"
"You were just flippin' burgers and making French fries"
Fourth time I took steroids
I beat Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat senseless
And sent him to the hospital
But, after the match
I owed, The Ultimate Warrior, $90 bucks
And that was $90 bucks this Macho Man didn't have
So I called up my brother, Leapin' Lanny
And I said "Hey, I really need you to bail me out, brother!"
So Leapin' Lanny shot-up
And he got in his beat-up Dodge
And he drove down to Madison Square Garden
And there I am
Down on my knees in the locker room
Begging The Ultimate Warrior not to beat me
And Lanny kicks in the door
And beats The Ultimate Warrior senseless
And then he does his, signature, "Leapin' Lanny Leap"
Off of the top of the lockers
And breaks The Ultimate Warrior's neck
And we steal his steroids
And all of his cash and his wedding ring
And we pawn it and we take the cash
And we ride off into the sunset
To Mexico to buy more cheap Mexican steroids
And await another Wrestlemania
And another Ultimate Warrior
(*Thanks to whatever karaoke-shmuck did the crappy "Clocks" track)
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