The Story Of Leapin Lanny Poffo (First Time I Took Steroids) Words by: The Randy Savages Music by: Some shmuck* Let me tell you about the first time I took steroids I was 12 years old And my brother, Leapin Lanny Poffo Said "Hey...you wanna get high, Randy? Higher than you've ever been before And I said "Fuck, yeah! Let's do that shit!" 4 hours later... I found myself lying, naked, In the bathtub with an erection My muscles were tense And I had hair on my chest and on my ass I got up to take a piss Saw Jesus Christ over my shoulder In a reflection in the mirror Then I saw... Judas was looking at me from the toilet And then I realized... "I'm Judas!" And then Lanny came in and said "Randy, you're just havin' a bad trip" And then I blacked out I hit my mouth on the toilet seat and chipped my tooth Second time I took steroids I was 18 years old My father gave them to me, he said... "Randy, these are the syringes I used when I was a wrestler" "And now I'm passin' 'em on to you, brother" So I shot up And I went to Wal-Mart to buy him a present Third time I took steroids Summer of '73 I was playin' baseball For Cincinnati... Reds But, I got fired for using steroids I went back to my job at BK Thought, hey... I was going to be a wrestler So I went to see Vince McMahon (Jacked-up on smack) He patted me on the back and said "Macho, you're hired!" Went back to BK and they said "You can't quit, you're fired!" "For using steroids" "Was that really necessary?" "You were just flippin' burgers and making French fries" Fourth time I took steroids Wrestlemania 1983 I beat Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat senseless And sent him to the hospital But, after the match I owed, The Ultimate Warrior, $90 bucks And that was $90 bucks this Macho Man didn't have So I called up my brother, Leapin' Lanny And I said "Hey, I really need you to bail me out, brother!" So Leapin' Lanny shot-up And he got in his beat-up Dodge And he drove down to Madison Square Garden And there I am Down on my knees in the locker room Begging The Ultimate Warrior not to beat me And Lanny kicks in the door And beats The Ultimate Warrior senseless And then he does his, signature, "Leapin' Lanny Leap" Off of the top of the lockers And breaks The Ultimate Warrior's neck And we steal his steroids And all of his cash and his wedding ring And we pawn it and we take the cash And we ride off into the sunset To Mexico to buy more cheap Mexican steroids And await another Wrestlemania And another Ultimate Warrior (*Thanks to whatever karaoke-shmuck did the crappy "Clocks" track)