The title was a favourite phrase of my father's so the first verses are simply reminiscences... He was something of an old-school chauvinist, I'm afraid, and he would tell my other her job was safe if he liked his dinner. The final Twist was not my mother's, however, but came from Sheila who has never learnt to drive...

You don't keep dogs and bark yourself My father was an old school chauvenist You might say he was a bit of a louse Now it may seem funny But as he brought in the money He didn't see why he should help with work in the house My mother let him get away with it Though at times I think it must have chafed As long as she was able To get dinner on the table He'd tell her not to worry coz her job was safe He was never one to let his spirits down Never trouble with his mental health If he was called upon To get the housework done he'd say You don't keep dogs and bark yourself You don't keep dogs and bark yourself It was his favourite phrase He may not have been lucky with material wealth But with mother as a skivvy All the work's done in a jiffy So no need to get all sniffy let him do as he will Now my father he had a string of cars And they were his pride and joy If mother had to travel Then his plans they might unravel As he had to take her out in his latest toy Sometimes this would give him the hump That he'd have to drop his plans for her needs On him she was reliant So he had to be compliant But then he thought he'd found a jolly good wheeze He said ain't it time you learnt to drive He took the highway code off the shelf She didn't hesitate a flicker Just gave gave a little snicker Said you don't keep dogs and bark yourself You don't keep dogs and bark yourself I know it's your favourite phrase It's no use trying to trick me by stealth I've caught you off your guard Hoisted by your own petard Now perhaps you know how it feels ?