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Flatmate
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Podcasts - Comedy - Adult
Ben Power/Ben Power
October 05, 2016
MP3 4.5 MB
128 kbps bitrate
4:56 minutes
Lyrics
Flatmate Here’s a joke, it’s very funny: Why did the hedgehog cross the road? A destruction of habitat, human predation Loss of food sources and deforestation All under the gaze of an uncaring nation Much like the case of the poor old bunny He crossed the road to see his flat mate (Maybe I should have stopped there but fuck it) Blood, bones everywhere, what a state The limp little fella had kicked the bucket He was quite unaware of the driving mandate For turning hedgehogs into pancakes So he looked at the corpse of the friend he had loved Then something deep down inside of him cracked He cursed at the cold, empty sky up above And laughed manically as he planned his attack To reap revenge for the woodland races And wipe that smile off those bastards' faces So the traumatized hedgehog, we'll call him Harry Went to Derrick the gangster dormouse to buy an AK47 Picked up all the ammunition he could carry And wondered if there are hedgehog virgins in heaven As he left Derrick thrust him grenades and some mines And slunk off to his safehouse high up in the pines So with bile in his heart Harry stomped to the road With the butt of his weapon he bashed a school coach Unleashed a full clip and then paused to reload As the children fled out, then stepped up his approach Chucking his pineapples right at them, boom! Another pre-teener sent straight for the moon Some elderly ladies out for a nice drive Had rather poor eyesight and got in a muddle Wildlife Trust members for all of their lives But this wasn't a mammal they needed to cuddle Three sets of false teeth and a Zimmer frame Was all that was left of those sorry old dames A group of monks headed to pray at a shrine With souls full of joy at the wonder of God When their minibus triggered an anti-tank mine It turns out the Almighty's a bit of a sod Well, a nice loud explosion and off they go Just a fine mist of body fat falling like snow Vietnam on the highway, the tarmac was slippy With claret and Harry was blood-mad and grinning Dog-walkers, ramblers, and day-tripping hippies All turned into puddles of goo for their sinning When all of a sudden he saw a crashed van And snuffled in closer, with rifle in hand Being an nocturnal, ground-feeding insectivore He couldn't afford to get much education Knew how to eat worms and dig burrows in straw But didn't get ideas above his station So the van's acronym, 'RSPCA' Did not cause him a great deal of doubt or dismay But when he climbed up and peered inside That fan in his head got drowned under shit For the love of his life, his hedgehog bride And his two little piglets were shredded to bits A tiny pink hand of his oldest son, Paddy Gripped a birthday card reading 'We Love You Daddy' They were moving house to a big, new wood But kept it secret as a special surprise He stopped, and sniffled, and he understood And stared a long time at those blank, dead eyes By the time the road coppers arrived from the nick Harry was face down in a pile of sick ?
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