One of our early recordings, this is the true story of one of the less glamorous jobs in agriculture.
Story behind the song
My late father in law worked for a time as a poultry technician and inspector, and one of his jobs was collecting semen for artificial insemination. The song decribes the process pretty much as he described it to me. We got some local airplay with this, at Thanksgiving, oddly enough :)
The 'turkey gobble' vocal effect was performed by my wife Cathy, who may have picked up a stray turkey gene from her father :)
Lyrics
THE TURKEY JERKER
(C) T. Taylor/ C. Taylor
BACK WHEN WE WAS LITTLE KIDS
WE NEVER KNEW WHAT DADDY DID
TO PAY THE BILLS AND KEEP THE FAMILY FED
WE KNEW HE WAS A POULTRY MAN
BUT DIDN’T REALLY UNDERSTAND
WHAT THAT MEANT ‘TIL ONE DAY MAMA SAID
KIDS, YOUR DAD’S A TURKEY JERKER
YOU SHOULD BE PROUD, HE’S THEIR BEST WORKER
HE COLLECTS MORE JUICE THAN ALL THE REST
IN THE HISTORY OF TURKEY STROKIN’
HE’S SET RECORDS THAT AIN’T BEEN BROKEN
WHEN IT COMES TO TURKEY JERKIN’ HE’S THE BEST!
NOW IT SEEMS THAT ON THE TURKEY RANCH
THE TURKEYS GET TOO FAT TO DANCE
AND THEY NEED A LITTLE HELP TO PROPAGATE
SO THE POULTRY MAN IN HIS GOVERNMENT CAR
WITH THE BACK SEAT FULL OF COLLECTIN’ JARS
HAS TO TEACH THOSE TURKEYS
HOW TO MASTURBATE
AT FIRST THEM TOMS ARE AWFUL SHY,
AND THEY WON’T LOOK HIM IN THE EYE,
BUT PRETTY SOON THEY’RE MEETIN’ HIM AT THE GATE THEY RECOGNIZE THE POULTRY MAN
WITH THE LITTLE JARS AND THE GENTLE HANDS
AND WHEN THEY SEE HIM,
SOMETIMES THEY CAN’T WAIT
SO NOW HE HAS TO WEAR DISGUISES,
COVER UP THE TURKEY’S EYES ‘
CAUSE THEY GET TOO AMOROUS BY FAR
HE CROUCHES DOWN TO SNEAK UP TO ‘EM,
CHANGES HIS COLOGNE TO FOOL ‘EM
OTHERWISE, HE’D NEVER FILL THE JAR
THAT’S THE LIFE OF A TURKEY JERKER,
YOU GOTTA BE A BARNYARD LURKER
MAKIN’ SURE THOSE HENS GET WHAT THEY NEED
SO WHEN YOU EAT YOUR TURKEY LATER,
GIVE A THOUGHT TO THE MASTURBATOR
WHO COLLECTED ALL THAT TURKEY SEED
KIDS, YOUR DAD’S A TURKEY JERKER
YOU SHOULD BE PROUD, HE’S THEIR BEST WORKER
HE COLLECTS MORE JUICE THAN ALL THE REST
IN THE HISTORY OF TURKEY STROKIN’
HE’S SET RECORDS THAT AIN’T BEEN BROKEN
WHEN IT COMES TO TURKEY JERKIN’ HE’S THE BEST
HE'S ON A NEVER ENDING TURKEY SEMEN QUEST
YEAH HE’S THE FINEST TURKEY JERKER IN THE WEST