A "tribute" to my original roadies. This was the entry which led to Brian Ralston's Self Tort being declared the winners of ABC 702's 2013 "Exhumed" competition for the "best bands you've never heard of".
roadies self tort brian ralst
Story behind the song
Jack "Attack" Ryan and Alan "Chokoes" were the original roadies for "Self Tort". They're great mates and were a big help. Unfortunately, Jack works on a different time plane to everyone else. He would always say "We'll be there at 5". I'd say there was no need to be there that early but Jack wouldn't be shifted. So I'd leave work early to unplug and stack the gear out ready for them to arrive at 5. I could be standing out the front from anything between 1-2 hours. They weren't punctual but they're cheap.
Lyrics
It's Friday night, the gear's all stacked
I'm ready for my gig
But where are Jack and Chokoes
And where's the roadies' rig
It's coming on for 6.15, they promised they'd arrive
As soon as they had got off work
They'd be there right on five
It's looking grim there seems no doubt
I'm going to get there late
There's still set up and sound-check
Before I start at 8
It's 7 now they're still not here I'm standing on my own
Jack's no doubt doing 20ks
In a 60 zone
I've got the Oldest Roadies on the Earth
I've got the Oldest Roadies on the Earth
I pay them with a beer or two,
It's all they're bloody worth
But I've got the Oldest Roadies on the Earth
At last they're coming down the hill
At speed just like a snail
Imagine what would happen if
These blokes delivered mail
There's clearly been an argument, Jack's got a look to kill
But I won't say a single word
They might send me a bill
I've got the Oldest Roadies on the Earth
I've got the Oldest Roadies on the Earth
I pay them with a beer or two
It's all they're bloody worth
But I've got the Oldest Roadies on the Earth
Maybe I should buy a bigger car
Perhaps a small PA might suit
Anything would clearly be better
Than two old beerguts stuck in the front of a ute
When finally we reach the pub
The roadies smell the beer
They head themselves off to the bar
And leave me with the gear
But with Ringer, Moth and Zulu there's help from other boys
Except for Groom who shouts to me
“Turn down that bloody noise"
But I've got the Oldest Roadies on the Earth
I've got the Oldest Roadies on the Earth
I pay them with a beer or two
It's all they're bloody worth
But I've got the Oldest Roadies on the Earth
But I've got the Oldest Roadies on the Earth
I've got the Oldest Roadies in the Universe
If you look at them from side on
You'd swear they're giving birth
But I've got the Oldest Roadies on the Earth
But I've got the Oldest Roadies on the Earth
I've got the Oldest Roadies in the Universe
I know if they were groupies
Things would be a whole lot worse
But I've got the Oldest Roadies on the Earth