Lyrics
Oh, What Would Baron Von Torture do?
Gather ‘round now and lend us your ears
We shall sing you song and it won't be long
Before everybody's buying us beers
Oh, that is all we ask in return
For keeping you dimwits entertained
And as you line up at the bar
We shall sing you this refrain...
...If you're sick of being pushed around
And you can no longer turn the other cheek
These six easy words will remind you how
To procure the results you seek
"What Would Baron Von Torture Do?"
The answer is simple and plain
In any given scenario
He'll be dishing out sorrow and pain
If your parents always get in your way
And make you come home at night
Just ask yourself what would he do?
And challenge them to a fight
No need to give them warning
Von Torture attacks from the rear
Smash their brains with a steel chair
Don't forget to do it with a sneer
-Chorus-
In any situation
You can follow his example true
If ever in doubt, just ask yourself
What Would Baron Von Torture Do?
-Von Torture soliloquy, Part I-
I'm just a simple psychopath
With a lust for blood and beer
And every single person in this place
Should be quaking in their boots with fear
For if you try to cross me
I will surely take your life
And if you don't buy me a drink
I will surely fuck your wife
(Back to the regular song)
If you should feel tempted when
Your best friend's horny wife is in need
Just ask what would Baron Von Torture do?
And follow his ribald lead
For he pleases lonely house wives
Who are looking for some fun
Oh, none of the dads in the neighborhood know
They're raising Von Torture's sons
If you should feel melancholy
With few possessions to call your own
Just ask yourself what would he do?
And slip into your neighbor's home
Oh, he fills a bag like Santa
With presents all for himself
He'll take your wallet and your credit cards
And your "personal stash" on the shelf
Don't waste your time with Jesus and his impotent advice
Will you follow the path of Baron Von Torture?
Or live your lives like mice?
-Von Torture soliloquy, Part II-
I've always led the life of a sinister,
philandering, bastard thug
I'm a lecherous knave who goes to raves
And terrorizes kids for their drugs
If you should find me pissing in your yard
Or passed out on your front lawn
You'd best give me a 40 of Pabst
As a bribe if you want me gone