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Gotta Have The Balls
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An account of how Tom's best friend, Geoff, beat the draft during Vietnam
Artist
Genre
Charts
Peak: #8   (20,312 songs currently in Comedy)
Peak in sub-genre: #1   (965 songs currently in Political Humor)
Upload date
October 19, 2012
Meta data
MP3 6.4 MB, bitrate 160 kbps.
5:36 minutes
Writer (words/music)
Tom Neilson
Copyright
Tom Neilson 2012
Story behind the song
One of Tom's best friends at SUNY Cortland drew the number 4 in the 1969 lottery for the draft. The song is the story of his induction physical.
Lyrics
It was back in 1970 after the 1st lottery When Geoffrey drew the #4. He went down to his induction, not knowing his malfunction When the Dr. started to explore. He had him cough, stick out his tongue, say AHHH, Took his pressure, pulse, then the Dr. saw When he went to Jeffrey’s scrotum To see how he did tote ‘em He discovered that he only had one ball. You see at birth one testicle was upended so only one of them descended. Cryptorchidism’s what ya call it and it’s important to the army how you haul it Flat feet & venereal infection, Esophagitis – all reasons for rejection. But Geoffrey’s only flaw from his toenails to his jaw Was a missing testicle upon inspection. Oh he needed 1 more ball For the army protocol His testicular action was only a fraction If you’re gonna do some killin', two gonads must be chillin' When tour of duty calls, you gotta have the balls Now you can be all you can be if a technicality Under examination doesn’t get detected Cause if your anatomy has peculiarity, it’s probably gonna leave you deselected GI function abnormality schizophrenic psychiatric history And in your underwear, you gotta have a pair to be in army uniformity. Oh he needed 1 more ball for the army protocol His testicular action was only a fraction If you’re gonna do some killin', two gonads must be chillin' When tour of duty calls, you gotta have the balls The Dr. said he could sign a waiver. Geoff said, “Doc, don't do me any favor. You know all about my jewels & there's a reason the army has these rules. I’ll take that 4F classification. 2 balls you need to go warrin for the nation.” Yes he didn’t have the package hanging in his sackage. He could’ve served his country but, he needed 1 more nut. Oh he needed 1 more ball For the army protocol His testicular action Was only a fraction If you’re gonna do some killin', Two gonads must be chillin' When tour of duty calls, You got to have the balls