There was this boy whose father had just bought a new Mercedes. His father told him he could not get to drive the car unless he improved his grades in school, study the bible and had his hair cut.

A month passed and the father told him, "I'm rather proud of you. You have improved your grades and even your knowledge of the bible is now quite good. But there's one thing and that is, your hair is still long ..."

The boy protested, "But Adam had long hair, and so did Moses. Come to think of it, Jesus had long hair, too."

His father replied, "But they walked."

A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.

He Said :

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn't my wife!"
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added : "And that woman was ... my Mother!"

There was laughter and applause from the audience.

A week later, a top manager trained by that same motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home. He was a bit foggy after a drink.

He said loudly to his wife who was preparing dinner, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!"

The wife went ; "ah!" with shock and rage.

Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, the manager finally blurted out, "... and I can't remember who she was!"

By the time the manager regained his consciousness, he was on a hospital bed nursing burns from boiling water.

Moral of the story : Don't copy, if you can't paste !

Shawn and Mabel get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Shawn's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together. In the morning, Mark, Shawn's little brother gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Shawn and Mabel are up yet. She replies, "No." Mark asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Mark comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Shawn and Mabel up yet?" She replies, "No." Mark says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school."

After school, Mark comes home and asks again, "Are Shawn and Mabel up yet?" His mom says, "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "OK, now tell me what you think?"

He says, "Last night Shawn came to my room for the Vaseline and I think ... I gave him my airplane glue ..."

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer. She asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with. Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter "penis". Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password. She almost died laughing at the computer's response: PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

The other day April and I took off to do a little window-shopping. I didn't care that much for the merchandise in the windows, but every now and again, a female sales clerk would catch my eye.

April caught me at it. "You're like a kid in a candy store!"

"Yeah, well, since I'm married to you, I'm like a kid with diabetes in a candy store."

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blow job?
A.) Blow job: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blow job.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bi*** with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him.

So he sets it on a table, along with a note "I spit in this beer" hoping that noone will steal it then.

Upon return, he sees another note saying "Me too!"

One night in a local pub, a man stumbled up to the only other patron in a bar and asked if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," came the reply.

The first man then asked, "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replied the second man.

The first man responded, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replied the second man.

Curious, the first man then asked, "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," came the reply.

"I can't believe it, " said the first man. "I'm from Dublin too!"

He continued, "Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replied the second man.

Curiosity again struck and the first man asked, "what school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!" the first man said. "I went to Saint Mary's and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time, one of the regulars came into the bar and sat down.

"What's been going on?" he asked the bartender.

"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink.

"Get out" says the bartender. "I don't serve drunks here".

The drunk staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink.

"I just told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!".

The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink.

The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells "I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT!!!".

The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs "How many bars do you work at, anyway?".

1. Dogs don't cry.
2. Dogs love it when your friends come over.
3. Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo.
4. Dogs think you sing great.
5. A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.
6. Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.
7. The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.
8. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
9. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
10. Dogs are excited by rough play.
11. Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.
12. Dogs understand that farts are funny.
13. Dogs love red meat.
14. Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.
15. Anyone can get a good-looking dog.
16. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
17. Dogs don't shop.
18. Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.
19. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.
20. Dogs never need to examine the relationship.
21. A dog's parents never visit.
22. Dogs love long car trips.
23. Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye.

24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Were Pure.

23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?

22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.

21. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl, But The Car Don't Run So I Figure We're Even.

20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You.

19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.

18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better.

17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win.

16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.

15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here

14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You.

13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You.

12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.

11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head).

10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You.

9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Sure Do Miss Him.

8. Please Bypass This Heart.

7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger.

6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat.

5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly.

4. If the Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Doubles.

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer.

And the Number 1 Country and Western song of all Time is...

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women But I've Sure Woke Up With A Few

Redneck Bubba died in a fire and was burnt pretty bad and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer, were sent for.

Daryl went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Daryl said,"Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll 'im over."

So the mortician rolled him over and Daryl looked and said, "nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.

Gomer took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll 'im over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer looked down and said, "no, 'tain't Bubba." The mortician, whose curiosity had gotten the better of him asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What?" exclaimed the mortician. "He had two assholes?"

"Yup, ever'one in town knew he had two assholes.

Ever' time we went to town, folks would all say, "Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."

Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that
"Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door.

She said, "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." Little Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took it off.

She continued,
"Now take off my skirt..."
He removed her skirt. "Take off my bra..."
which he did. "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." When Johnny had finished removing his mother's panties, she said,
"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

Johnny and Susie, each five years old, decided to get married.

So Johnny went to Susie's dad to ask for her hand in marriage.

"Where will you live?" asked Susie's dad, thinking this is cute.

"Well," said Johnny, "I figured I could just move into Susie's room. It's plenty big for both of us."

"And how will you live?" "I get $5 a week allowance and Susie gets $5 a week allowance. That's should be enough."

Getting exasperated since Johnny seems to know all the answers, Susie's dad asked, "And what if little ones come along?"

"Well," said Johnny, "we've been lucky so far."

One day little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks:
Johnny: "Mom, how old are you?"
Mom: "Now, now, John. That's a personal question. You don't ask those kinds of personal questions to women."

Johnny: "How much do you weigh?"
Mom: "You're too young to understand that you don't ask those kind of questions to women."

johnny: "Why did Dad leave us?"
Mom: "your too young to understand that too, I'll tell you when you're older"

So John goes back to school and tells little TOMMY: "TOMMY, my mom doesn't want to tell me how old she is or what she weighs. She doesn't answer any of my questions"

TOMMY replies: "you should go into her wallet and look at her driver's license. All your questions will be answerd.

So John goes back home and look into his mom's purse and looks at her driver's license and goes to his mom:

Johnny; "Mom, you're 39 years old."
Mom: "Yeah that's right I am."

Johnny: "And you weigh 142 lbs."
Mom: "yupp that's right."

Johnny; "One last thing... I know why dad left us."
Mom: "oh really, why?"

Johnny: "Because you got an F in sex"

The Little Johnny was 8 years old when his parents decided to have him circumcised. After a few days of recovery, the boy went back to school. After about an hour, the pain was really starting to bother him so he asked if he could see the school nurse. He went to see her, but was too embarrassed to tell her what the problem was.

She suggested that he call his Mom and see if she could come and get him. The nurse waited in the other room while the call was made. After a few minutes the little boy came out and started walking back to class, but the nurse noticed that his penis was hanging out of his pants.

She said,
"Johnny, what are you doing? You can't walk around like that."

He replied,
"Well I told my Mom how much I hurt and she said that if I could just stick it out till lunchtime she would come pick me up then."

A man got a new Ferrari for his birthday and went to test drive it on the highway. As he was driving he wondered how fast it could go, but before he could get very far he heard sirens. He sped up thinking he could outrun the cop, but then he came to his senses and pulled over. The cop walked over and asked for the man's license and registration.
Then the cop said,
"Listen, Mac, it's Friday, I'm tired, and I just want to go home, so if you can give me an excuse I haven't heard before, I'll let you go."

The man thought for a minute, then replied,
"My wife ran off with a cop the other day, and I thought you were trying to give her back to me."

The cop nodded and said,
"Have a nice day."

Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks, "If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?" The first lady thinks for a minute and says, "Mountain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime." The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says, "7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up." The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says, "Jack Daniels." The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say, "Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor." The third lady says, "Yep, that's my Larry!"

A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised a brood of 11 children and were blessed with 22 grandchildren.

When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replies, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids...."

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with a*s." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

I don't know, he blubbers, "but you can bet your a*s it won't be Cheerios!"