@Nfeeltraita

Dunno bout yall but to me it seems only right to reinstate this statement with a good word about gratitude.It's been mad ugly yall. It's been the depths. But i sorta got some things figured out.You've gotta keep ur word.you cant go jonah on Jehovah.You have to be able to swear to your own hurt.You open your mouth and you dont go back.Cos the world is ugly. the world is full of problems.Moreover gratitude is unconditional.Gratitude is forever. You owe Him forever. Forever. Get that.

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methinks gratitude should be unconditional. that's the only way it's pure, the only way it's heartfelt. How do we go from being thankful to asking something else of the giver? A gift is a gift now matter how small, imagine ur life without it, Man's needs are insatiable, u think that if u get a certain something u'll be good, but no, it's another then another then another. But we gotta stay grateful, or u get trapped in the matrix. Even if the gift has flaws, even if the gift gets taken away tomorrow, it was fun having it around .
So grab on to ur gratitude rocks. and say it with me: no Ands, Ifs , or buts

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Came back home to meet my old demons waiting for me. Now they having a slugfest. yeah it hurts to reminisce. It was hard yall. Poring through old documents, meeting old friends just bring back painful memories of struggle.
But here i am also realising that our perspective of the past is flawed and incorrect. we tend to remember only those events that evoked strong emotional responses whether good or bad: therein lies the problem, Our memories are coloured. It was never really that good or bad. it was just LIFE. and the only thing we should be is thankful.
I'm looking at my past failures but i'm also looking at my past successes. How easily we forget our blessings, how we overcame challenges, beat the odds.
And so it plays like a gieger counter for blessings.
I done realized that every generation is fraught with it's own peculiar problems. whether u grew up in the 60's, 70's,80's,90's, 2000's there were real problems to deal with.
I'm thinking back bout those days , before we had cellphones, before there was ready internet access. back when we still played CDs, when we still listened to radio. Before i recorded my first raps, I'm looking at my lands and i'm proud, i'm like damn i did all that! i'm proud of myself to have advanced so far in my career, i'm proud to have made it so far musically, I'm happy to have survived all the drama i done been through. I think it's so cruel that we are constrained to keep demanding more without being grateful for all we do have.So as a i lay awake at night listening to brandy's "nothing" i reminisce on the time period when that was one of my favourite songs and i'm amazed at how far i've progressed since then. Lord i'm so thankful.

Brandy : Nothing http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IF42hErYyqo

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Happy new year yall. the new year started not so happy, crossed over in the grip of pain. and all of the sudden , all the turmoil of the past years came upon me like a hurricane. I thought all was lost. But ah well, i'm reminded of verse that said " he that sweareth to his own hurt" ps 15.4
talks of sticking to the script, talks of loyalty, talks of forging on, had a done that a while back , wouldnt none of this brouhaha have happened. but oh well, it's a new year, new beginning. raise your glasses and toast. shalom

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sometimes sorry just dont cut it. not when it's too late. not hardly. cos u underestimated the pain, miscontrued it. thought i was all about the drama, not until it was too late, not until the damage was the done, or the deed, whichever comes first. trying to let them know like pac that " it's hard to carry on when no one loves u" . it's hard. it's burdensome. i tried to let u know. tried to give u snapshots, a glimpse. but cats dont get the picture. the title is taken from the horror flick "matyrs' from a girl who was abducted and tortured when she was little and all her life was committed in a mental home cos people couldnt come to terms with the horrific torture she described, even her close friend disbelieved her . not until she discovered the torture chamber used by her abductors. not until she was dead, then she was like " sorry i didnt believe you". But sorry cant bring her back.....

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"And the angels which kept not their first estate, but left their own habitation he hath reserved in everlasting chains under darkness unto the judgment of the great day" jude 1.6
i feel like whenever somebody's left my life for a reasonable length of time without explanation and when i needed people the most, that person cant just come waltzing back in. no! It doesnt work that way. If u're out, u're out. ur place isnt reserved for u.There's only a few people who've crossed that rubicon and have a reserved place even after 5 years or 10 yrs incommunicado. But i dont feel that way bout every one. no. it's easy for people to come back when it's convenient when i've been through hell and start trying to interfere in my life. i feel like leave me alone. God is all i need.

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The mileage. some people are all about the mileage. they dont know about inches. hence the expression. give a brother an inch , he takes a mile. so i've been ruminating on this: why arent more people kind in the world. we have enough resources in the hands of the rich to feed the poor, the solve all the world's basic needs and even more.
maybe it's cos of what i loathe: being taken for granted. why's it when u help people, for some it's a green light to be at ur door perenially for any slight help.That's why i got the concept of the Payoff. When i help some one i dont wanna see them again, i've paid them off. so i avoid them. cos human nature is like, once u do some thing nice, they demand more and more. oh well, that's how i see it.

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one of those days, when i've had it up to here. bout to throw in the towel and give it all up. cant take no more. one of those ugly days when i curse the day i was born and contemplate all the struggles since birth. asking the same questions again.
But then a little wisdom comes from a simple encounter as a neighbour tries to proffer some advice on how to get something done. and then it hit me.... people keep giving u advice cos they dont know what u done been through. plus they always add these scare tactics of what could go wrong if u dont heed their advice but it's crazy that someone be telling me how to run my life after what i done been through. your advice may be cool but you've got to keep it cos like david said " And David said unto Saul, I cannot go with these; for I have not proved them" 1 sam 17.39
so whatever is unproven i dont mess with.

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Had to jack one of my fave pac songs to illustrate this situation.
I've been high on "letting people go", it's liberating, it's lonely too. and it goes both ways. I done had people walk out on me, and i've walked out on others too.
But then,not every walk out is negative,
sometimes people's time in ur life is done. Sometimes people need to get away from you to grow.
That's the situation pac described in this song. how his homie got converted and left the streets, and how he wasnt mad at him.
My home boy's getting married in November. we dont kick it like we used to. i've been living in his city for over a year and we 've just seen once.
I remember i once said we were having our drama with dames that we would one day hang out on the beach with our ladies one day and laugh at all this. That never happened though. He found love and i'm still in the doldrums. Aint mad at him at all, he had to grow and do his thing. so come november i'mma go celebrate with my homeboy. and to all my homies who we never see or talk any more i aint mad at none of yall. do your thing boys..

2pac i aint mad atcha http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n9u1mVwvyTk

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"It's only words and words are all i have to take your heart away"(boyzone). Yeah, all the songs were instrumental , therefore all i had to do was to find the words(like MF grimm)
study the words, pay attention to them, suck in every phrase greedily. leave none behind . like that Bible verse "the LORD was with him, and did let none of his words fall to the ground" 1 sam 3.19
that's talking bout samuel by the way, and in closing ima quote eminem" And its absurd how people hang on every word" that;s from Till i collapse
Now how's that for a Series of Unfortunate Events or
a Random assortment of Words huh>>!!

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I done heard the phrase before " the life you live may not be your own", humorous take on the subject , bringing to mind various concepts like Possession and alien abduction or the matrix etc
But then who gave a brother this life anyway? does a man choose the cards he was dealt? And even after a brother chooses can he "unchoose?" shouldnt you take the good with the bad? you want the rose but you dont want the thorns? Sometimes we have to stay content yall. it can be a beautiful life . But love what you've got . the grass isnt always greener. so quit complaining. quit snitching. hear obie trice " dont snitch, you asked for the life you're living"

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A good name is more desireable than great riches Prov 22.1 or than fine perfume eccl 7.1. that's why some would rather "give a dog a bad name to hang it"
guess that's also why bon Jovi pointed out those that "give love a bad name". that's why i'm calling out all my people who give scientists a bad name and dishonour the dedication and commitment this calling requires. fie for shame!

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Call it an Epiphany of sorts. well, each new step in my "12 step program" seem to be the clincher. I never tire of learning more and deeper truths and who i am and my purpose. My only frustration has always been that i want to UNDERSTAND why the pain existed and how i could turn it off.
and then came some insight, it's in the same vein as yesterday's . just furthering on the same thoughts establlished. I stumbled on alanis morisette's " you owe me nothing" and the lyrics which go " u owe me nothing for caring the way that i've done, u owe me nothing for giving what i give. Thank you for accepting, it's my privilege and u owe me nothing in return"
I'm thinking perhaps, or more likely than not, these 3 years of torture and macabre could've been avoided if i'd let it go at the onset. I'd always said something to that effect and when it came to time to prove it, i walked away , walked away into desolation.
I think this(the above words) should be our atttitude not just to love but to every human endeavour and experience.
we should be "unprofitable servants" like the Bible said(Luke 17.10) and just be grateful for the opportunity to serve, to give , expecting nothing in return. if i'd only known. o, if i'd only known.

Alanis morrisette you owe me nothing in returne
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeGFu05xB-8

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Based on the biblical story of the prophet sent by God on a mission with the explicit instructions not to return back the way he had come. Alas he was convinced and deceived by an older prophet to act contrariwise and as a result a lion slew him.I think about how many times after success, we get tempted to not stick to the script, to burn the bridge that brought us over, to bite the hand that feeds us.Rather than act as unprofitable servants and ASK FOR NOTHING IN RETURN. I'll have to paraphrase the quote by my friend tunji odiase on facebook about how when u find true love, love with all ur heart and ask for nothing in return and even if not loved back be content it grew in urs. The world is full of trouble and pain, it's not meant to be a place to pitch our tents and grow complacent. we must be grateful each day for the little mercies and above all be grateful just to be alive

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Nina simone inspired this with " i'm just a soul whose intentions are good, please dont let me be misunderstood". It also inspired common, lil wayne and an upcoming rapper Suranu.
Guess i got into this when i realized that many of my moves are miscontrued, ultimately i try to be good to everybody but despite it i still get more flack than roberta(i stole that from ambassador of Cross Movement by the way),
it came to me when i'm there trying to pass on gifts to my colleagues from my foreign trip and i come across as placating and condescending and i wonder why one has to put up with the misunderstanding. i'm a soul whose intentions are good, i aint got no wrong intentions man......

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All attempts to "piece together the puzzle " that is life often proves abbortive. Situations are like a Rubix cube that is handed to us and only unravels as we go along. That's why that hymn is sung " we will understand it better by and by",
Make no mistake about it life is complicated. I agree with director David Cronenberg who said his movies are very complex cos he considers life to be complex. You can be as wise as Solomon and spend a life time studying the workings of this system and come back to scratch.
Yet there's simplicity in life as well. It's only when u step back from all the nonsense, hover above our busy lives and traffic that you appreciate the ways we complicate things for our selves with our rules,principles and laws.
Sometimes ur life can fall to pieces. ur dreams can be shattered and u could spend eternity trying to "pick up the pieces " like Gabrielle.Sometimes ur life is just a bunch of pieces u were handed that u try to make fit.sometimes u feel like "pieces of a man" like AZ or Gil Scott Heron. Maybe u feel like the parrot who kept screaming "pieces of 8" (whatever that means).
But i find this quote most helpful ,atttributed to 2pac?
"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the @ on"
yeah" It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows" Ps 127.2
This is where the analytical and philosophical man fails.
It is vain to keep asking why? you've got to move on in faith and leave the pieces. Leave the Thorn in your flesh.
Understanding comes by and by.

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I just think that concerning mistakes, u gotta wait to see how it plays out. Lemme explain: sometimes no matter how much u've changed u must still suffer the consequences of ur mistakes.I guess this gives me a certain peace about the past. What's done is done. I'm one to analyze and re analyze situations and nothing can stop me from doing so. So it's comforting to know that as of now, the only way to move is forward. no turning back.
like Jephthah said "Alas, my daughter! thou hast brought me very low, and thou art one of them that trouble me: for I have opened my mouth unto the LORD, and I cannot go back" judges 11.35
And so my theory is, once the plan is set in motion, after a certain point u've gotta let it go and just rock with it. Regret burns but after a mistake made 5 yrs ago, i shouldnt have made another mistake by discontinuing action 3 yrs ago. 2 wrongs dont make a right.nah

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Dreams of running away. Dreams of having a hide out. Dreams of relocating and taking up a new residence, new job,new spouse, just letting it all go.No more drama. Just leave my dreams and take up a sub par but stressless existence. oh, the thought, when this world seems a bit too much. when it feels i've been racing with no end in sight. Then i realize this wilderness is kinda an escape. That's why i'm away from friends and loved ones. this is my runaway. This is like Moses in his 40 years in the wilderness before leading the israelites. this is it.
so this is for everyone who ever thought of running away from jamiroquai, the corrs, ludacris etc. lets run away together.

jamiroquai run away http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uldpc4rWNXQ

The corrs run away http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7nCq9Yo8Y3E

Ludacris run away love http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ISvMS6s41vY

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And he gave them their request; but sent leanness into their soul" Ps 106.15

This verse speaks to me about the hollowness of material things or of any earthly pursuits at all, must be why Rolling stones sang " i cant get no satisfaction". cos see it's like a matrix, u keep chasing things and once u get them, they dont feel that special anymore. Spend our lives chasing after things people, it's all the next high, But i guess we're all wired so that these things dont satisfy.
There's an emptiness that cant be quantified yall. Like these israelites clamouring for meat (like Brother lynch hung) and God granting them their requests but to prove to them that it wasnt meat they really needed he sent leanness into their souls,
So picture that leanness that meat that cant satisfy, picture that hollowness. May God show us what we truly need at every point in time

Concerning Pain. "The pain is forever alive inside, makes it hard to sleep" DMX. cant run from the pain. u must embrace it. u must be in the cobra's clutch. u must wear the crown of thorns.Errday it's good morning heartache.yall dont know. "yall dont know struggle, throw a couple shells at u" NAs (nazareth savage).So just let it in, Let the right one in.