Sweet sweet despair. Featuring Matt Kamprath on the guitar.

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I don't know when I wrote this, whether it was sometime in 1988 or 1989. I think it was 1988, because the following year, my friend John Hartwell was at the California Maritime Academy. Regardless, I wrote this for and about John Hartwell, though there is as much of me and my loneliness here as there is his. Whenever his latest girlfriend dumped him, he would show up at my dorm room door with a great deal of alcohol and say something to the effect: "I'm going to drink this all of this. If you are my friend, you will help me, and save me from myself." Usually, I ended up getting drunker than John. The things we do for the people we love.

After a few of these, I was inspired to write this. He would sometimes laugh and speak the line, "here's the check son now go have a nice day." John Hartwell is dead now, he died in early 2004 of complications from MS. I don't know if this is the best way to remember someone or not, but he was a sweet and troubled man and I miss him terribly. I wish he were around right now.

when looking for another heart
please close your eyes because the blindness helps
the bleeding hopes of a world this dry
are its voodoo dolls and ammunition belts
she walked onto a back street of mine
i remembered her from the days of the drudge
the feasting began in our own food chain
i was slime i could never crawl up out of the sludge

the girl i love she is robbing me blind
the girl i love she leave me behind
the girl i love said get out of my way
here's the check son now go have a nice day

i found the freeway but with signs like that
you know you just can't miss
i found the lifeguard rather
he found me too late to convince
to throw the story line to the girl
skip the heroic end for the drowning start
but i think i can walk on water
i'll watch my footings as those waters part

the girl i love is letting me go
the girl i love i don't even know
the girl i love said get out of my way
here's the check son now go have a nice day