A pre-release interview in prison. It's not at all based on real people and any resemblance should be of great concern LOL the characters and scenarios are intended to be absurd, not realistic.

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It's an in-joke written in consultation with a friend of mine who used to work in a prison. It's about the absurdity of the real prison situation but also about the hyper-absurdity of the UNREAL prison situation in the universe of the book "Malhaus" where everything's distorted and exaggerated. I reiterate: this is NOT intended to reflect the realities of prison life or work.

One-to-One

“It’s not so much that you need to complete this programme, Rogé; it’s more that we’re concerned that you don’t need to do it. If these matters weren’t a consideration for you at the time of the offence, what hope can there be for any improvement that will run side-by-side with you stopping?”

“Yeah but if I do it they’ll give me parole now not in 3 months yeah”

“There’s no guarantee of that old fruity – a lot of people do come out earlier after they’ve done it, but that’s because their needs were addressed by it. Others it makes no difference. For you, those things just aren’t problems for you.”

“Yeah but look if I do it they might give me parole yeah”

“There’s no way of telling that. Your best bet would be to come up with something else that was wrong with you back then and address that instead. I dunno – did you drink a lot?”

“Not as much as you, old fruity. You know they talk about you more than they do the screws sometimes.”

“Well we’re not here to talk about me, Rogé. You’re near the end of your time in here. It’d be good if you could do something useful with that last bit of treatment time. If that also means you get out earlier then fine, but once you’re out you’re pretty much on your own.”

“That is a promise.”

“OK, well look have a think and if you can make a statement about how evil manifested itself in your prior life and how being here has opened your eyes to it and helped you make changes, I’m sure I can support you in that. OK?”

“You’re full of sh*** man. I tell you what though: you forgot about the seating arrangements innit.”



“I’ve got you more or less where I want you don’t you think, old fruity?”

Malhaus thinks about what seems to be happening here and goes over all the old training, running at people screaming “you work in psychology you bastard?!!!” and pretending to be coming at them with chainsaws and flame-throwers, then getting martial arts on his ass and him congratulating them on how perfectly safe they now were. He snaps out of this ‘bullshit approach’ and realises that what’s h’actually facing him across this gloomy well-lit room is a twat of 23, a weedy Frenchman with not so much as a bicep on his cock from wanking let alone a fistful of vengeance.

“F*** you Rogé. If you want yourself some violence action you only have to hint and I’ll anticipate you. You really want to be blinded and left lame? Cos that’s what’s gonna happen you little f***er. I’m gonna punch you in the nose so hard it’ll break your eyes, and when I’ve done that I’m gonna leave gaping holes in your face and bend your elbows back til they snap. Are you hearing me you f***ing idiot? If I wanted to walk right through you and out the door with your head as a handle I’d f***ing make sure you knew about it you cunt. You just don’t f***ing TALK to people like that you measly pissant. Don’t even LOOK at me Rogé. You want to play psychology? I’ll show you how we f***ing play.”

Malhaus rises from his seat and the look on his face is blackness and evil bursting all out. For a second he wonders if there’s any way out of this or if he’ll really have to GBH this cunt. But no, Rogé’s a civilised man and turns it all to a joke.

“Chill man, you got my respect. Sit down.”

“You’re telling ME to sit down.” and he sits down

“OK so do you want to meet up once more before your parole?”

“Yeah ok but you’re not gonna let me do the course yeah”

“No, I’m afraid not. Teaching granny to suck eggs may be ok for staff training but the wisdom’s not yet cascaded down to you people as yet.”

“You’re a joker man.”

“I’m actually on your side, but you look at me wrong again and I’m telling you you’ll be sipping your porridge in the hospital well beyond when they let your halven frame out of this place and back into whatever slimy alien ghetto you crawled from.”

“Chill man.” – Rogé offers his hand and Malhaus suspects for a second that it might be sincere. Sadly too many cold morning coffees have taught him otherwise and besides being intimate with a prisoner, even in such a trivial way, ends up f***ing with your mind and isn’t recommended. “Get f***ed Rogé.”

Rogé laughs and gets up and leaves. Malhaus wonders for a second whether the jovial little man will report him to the centre office, but no doubt he’s a few beatings down the line from anywhere where that would seem like the action of a healthy man.