Dodgy booze from a hillbilly family. Goddamn family business.

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Y'know.

DOOMSHINE

Hello this is the doomshine customer complaint line
"Yo motherf***er, your drink made me go blind"
D'you read the label? "I'm blind I can't see"
Well if you weren't you woulda learnt we don't take responsibility

For all your lobster handed kids or Angelina Jolie's lips

Just like I said to Mrs Wonder
How in the name of Dimebag did you get this number?
"I'm at the hospital they got you on speed dial
More custom comes from you than from the jurors at Saddam's trial"

Ok slow down, let me the checklist
Let's find out what's been affected
You can sue if at the end of this quiz
You got more ticks than a Tourettes kid

First question, how are your feminine urges?
Do you feel like you've got the tenth bullet for Curtis?
Are your hormones raging 'cos our drink increases them
You may call me the wicked witch of the oestrogen

Do you now have a swagger like Methusulah Jagger?
Have we got another mei from the House Of Drying Bladders?
Are you bleeding like the prologue in a furious tome?
"Shut the f*** up motherf***er and use words that I know"

Ok we'll send a braille label then you'll find you're unable
The bumpy disclaimer makes legal action disabled
'Cos we've been sued so often that our usual judge
Gave us our own parking space next to Courtney Love's

But with each out of court settlement eating my inheritance
When I get it'll be f***ing penniless
The stock market made our last money disappear
I knew we shouldn't have invested in Tab Clear

Either physical or fiscal we both get side effects
"Don't lecture me on drink I thought you were straight edge?"
I can say one thing then perform a different action
Like Morello on the picket line then back to his mansion

pre - We're bringing idiots and paramedics
closer together

chorus - I'm sorry for you
Because of our brew
On the liver donor queue
Bladder bing, bladder boom!

No we won't recant
Like a Mel Gibson rant
I guess you're pretty screwed
Bladder bing, bladder boom!

You know how office romances never work
Especially when it's a family firm
For five generations, a state institution
Like the Cher monologues or postal worker shootings

We even got the blaming for Cheney's aiming
"Hey I'm meant to be the one who's complaining"
But listen, listen to what it is I'm admitting
I'm on your side I never wanted this position

I wanted to be manager, I'd take to it hella good
Like a teen to suicide or Britney to motherhodd
I thought the guy from the religious bakery sucked
But they wanted the manager of Jesus Crust

Putting compotence and commons senseand an air of violence
Over nepotism and a gift for fraudelence
But gimme a chance and I'll reverse this recession
And our profits will rocket like Messrs. Smith and Wesson

Just gimme thirty seconds on a radio station
And every kid with a limp from the Jackass generation
Will join the alcoholympics asking no questions
Last night's phallic heroes are today's limpen jesters

I would sort every problem, smoothe every wrinkle
Like the Botoxic Avenger but single
You wouldn't regret putting our future in my hands
Not like CM Punk now his cheques are signed McMahon

We could be the sponsors of the new show by Hasselhoff
But the network didn't like Guantanemo Baywatch
But I gotta do what they say or I'll lose my job
Be as redundant as half the tunes on your iPod

So they put me on the helpline 'cos of the way that I speak
But like most colonials I can't pronounce the letter T
Properly unless I proceed it with the word 'Mister'
Oh whoops, there goes another digital listener

(CHORUS)

So when anarchy tragically lost it's marketability
'Cos it's target consumers could now go drink legally
And we'll take the credit for curing teenage pandemics
No more socialist edicts or texting phoenetics

If you believe Shakespeare and "All the world is a stage" is
It true we're all extras in Leaving Las Vegas
It's an evil that shouldn't be released on people
Like Tracy Emin or Matrix sequels

2 out of 3 Grammy nominees
Would've had to find an intelligent diocese
But thanks to our drink and it's numbing reaction
A neanderthal record will still make multi platinum

They won't dare to devise and make syllables plural
Our drink is just the cretinous lyrical epidural
To sell it's gotta be filled with the crudest of language
For the white male 18 to 34 demographic

Despised like Minnesota by both women and ladies
We're a greek tragedy, a liquid Ate
"One more for the road" the most deplorable phrase
Since "I got reservations for Marion Crane"

Fat knackers look attractive if you drink it by the gallon
"Hey you can't call them that", ok the femininely challenged
I'm a rapper stroke singer stroke kinda musician
"Well thanks to your drink I'm a kinda stroke victim"

You didn't think a drink called Doomshine would give you cirrhosis
"I thought 'what's in a name' like I did when I voted
Why do you still call it Doomshine, that's no way to promote it"
It's in the idiot sequence before Apple and Moses

"My wife was drunk, ready on the pavement
For the most electrifying move in sports entertainment"
Line six wait your turn, I got Bjork on two
And the guy who wrote 'Stop or my mom will shoot'