Traditional country. Accessorize with hip hop scratchy nonsense and coarse lyrics to match.

» highest in charts:   # 313   (46,988 songs currently listed in Country)
» highest in sub-genre:   # 56   (6,368 songs currently listed in Country > Alternative Country)

Many wives I have had. I wanted another. But although she was fatter than Elvis she also had ideas of her own. Bad move in a marriage.

You know I was dreading my latest last wedding
Because I was sober and I didn't have a weapon pressing
Into my back, how did I attract her?
Her wedding dress was stained with chewing tobacco

This is the result it's the end of her game
The only thing we had in common was the same surname
But if I'm to be honest I'll tell you the truth
We share a love of country and we shared the same womb

The poison dart of Cupid had struck me in the chest
Like the Washington sniper of romantic interest
As she walked down the aisle to be wife number five
I was waiting for her to say "Hey you guys"

Our love is a fairytale, it is a dream
That may be but it's Beauty and the Obese
She'll cry without fail 'cos she's fat and she's frail
She's double the blubber like an emo whale

Her jeans always sagged from the weight that they packed
Her ass looked like she'd been shoplifting hams
The clashing and gnashing of her thighs would appal us
Like tectonic plates on a planet made of walrus

And a nicotine patch in the shape of James Dean
Next to a tattoo that read USMC
For once in my life I'd do what is right
Swallow pride and valium and make her my wife

As we exchanged vows, I kinda wish now
Her's was a vow of silence "Like Jordan Chandler?"
For richer for poorer, 'til I really annoy her
'Til I download Metallica and I'm savaged by lawyers

She's suspicious that she's heading for trouble
'COS LIFE AIN'T NOTHING BUT DITCHES AND SHOVELS
Past the honeymoon stage I'll start digging your grave
But it's never my fauly you'll be pushing those stalks

(chorus) Didn't know wht it was stuck in my head
A thought recurring and I wish I was dead
Another figure in my log of regret
I can't believe that you said "No"

Didn't know what it was stuck in my head
A new beginning when I thought I was dead
I can have another last cigarette
I can't believe that you said "No way"

I've been married before but never divorced
I'm a widowing vessel on a marital course
I've stood by more big holes in the ground
Than an Iraqi building surveyor I found

My first wife Edna she's a little bit dead-na
A Russian space probe hit her right on the head-na
So I said "Bugger, I don't want to lug her
To the cemetery I mean why should I bother?"

So I thought "F*** it" now she fits in a bucket
When it came down why didn't she duck it
Now she lives in my freezer I thought it might please her
Not being shot in to the sun like Mother Teresa

My second wife Dorothy, oh she was a horror-thy
The anniversary of her death if tomorrow-thy
One day she said-o "I'm off to the meadow"
By quarter past nine she was stone f***ing dead-o

I guess that you know a Russian space probe
Struck her, caught fire, but did not explode
Hit her on the bracket so I said "Fack it"
I call her anthrax girl now she fits in a packet

My third wife Martha she used to be Arthur
She said the sex change was a total disaster
Tit's were lopsided so I decided
To send her to the field just a little misguided

When she didn't come back in I knew she was lacking
A pulse, a head and her spine was a-cracking
I admit I was planning it and now she's inanimate
We can make love 'cos she had been banning it

My fourth wife Hilda was butch as a builder
I thought no way space debris would've killed her
I stand corrected as I went and collected
Her body which had that Mansfield aesthetic

Her head was impacted to the size of a matchstick
It seems the Russians are getting better through practice
Spread like a thighmaster all over the pasture
From the gator to the crater she should've mover faster

(chorus)

I felt like an idiot as my girl in a million
Walked down the aisle to the theme from Deliverance
She looked at me angrily what was in store for me?
A honeymoon packed with sun, sea and sodomy?

If Salvador Dali was an architect
Or if they made a JFK Mr Potatohead
Ugly ass sh*** worse than art decko
But still you'd have a face like fire damaged lego

She must use the same dentist as Shane MacGowan
'Cos half her teeth are missing and the rest are brown
But as you have heard at the altar she left
'Cos she thought in a week she'd be meeting her death

I'm not that upset you know how fishermen say
"Should've seen the size of the one that got away"
Find a girl in my bed with no viral threat
Round here it's like playing Thrussian Roulette

But my wandering eye had found my next bride
She would only cost ten dollars seventy five
I could have her shipped in from the sweatshop region
In a box marked 'Nike' and so it begins

She was so pretty, the sweetest of Latino's
She gave up stitching footballs and Chino's
I explained about marriage but my death grip on Spanish
Ain't like an immigrant's on Eurostar's undercarriage

So I'll stick the blame on miscommunication
She married my brother which wasn't the arrangement
But I get the loving and he gets the strife
Just think of it as having a surrogate wife

(chorus)