This is that short conversation you have with a friend you haven't seen in a while. An introduction to Doogie Howitzer and a reacquaintance with Hand'Solo Records. Just to sum up what's been happening since the last release.

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This song is the bonus hidden track on the Hand'Solo Records compilation Bassments of Badmen: Volume 2. The first verse is an introduction to the world's oldest living child prodigy, Doogie Howitzer. The second verse brings you up-to-date on the fate of Hand'Solo Records. There's also a minor response to an answering machine accusation from a pop star legend. The title to the song comes from one of my mother's favourite phrases of profanity, and it somehow seemed appropriate for the song.

Verse 1:
Now---
That's incredible
Like the Hulk, I've grown
Monotone flows
Reminiscent of a beehive drone
I strive alone
Alive only in the zone
Unknown -
Except for cat-callin' and yes, yes y'allin'
Transformation begins with some test pollen
Side effects are: I become crest fallen
I'd start bawling
But crybaby retires
With no damp desires
Light my life with faux campfires
To show champ liers
And geriatric vampires with gold fang thrusters
Muster courage like bold gang busters
Just bionic ebonics of old slang trusters
Riding shotgun in controlled crop dusters
Movie prop bluster
Jaws drop flustered
Reaking of custard
I'll force feed you...
Ambrosia
Which you'll of course need anew...
I knows ya
Are a Source reader who
Is a bottom feeder, too
Saying, "How do you do?"
Right hand extended to make my acquaintance
Right, hand you a brush, now white paint fence
Like I'm Tom Sawyer or Mr Miyagi
Dumbfounded -
Your brain went all foggy
Was I speaking Ancient Ughnaut?
Forgot all your thoughts
Doogie Howitzer, hot shot
Child prodigy on Lord Nose What?! and Silly Robots

Verse 2:
To start, I let the pencil lead fly quick
Too smart, offset mental Jedi trick
["your powers are weak, old man"]
Dismantle cred, bric-a-brac
Wick-a-wack
Body change for attack
Rearrange four data tracks
Strange overdubs fill up the cracks
Add a DJ when it lacks
Release to CD and/or wax
Cease to see me slander facts
But do good acts like apostles
Doubting Thomas jostles
Carbon-dating fossils
Carbon-freeze encasement
Sight seize
Braille Boy replacement
Tight squeeze
Emplacement in the Bassment
Defacement of the Bad Men
It's sad when
It had been
Derailed into slow-mo
Attention trite and so-so
Ascension ignites Hand'Solo
To burn like a Kleenix
Reborn as a phoenix
Phoenetics - aggressive and dense
Future progressive
And way past tense
But in the present perfect
I connect to your pleasure circuit
And work it
Hand'Solo Records
Now you can jerk it!

end.