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Gotta Have The Balls
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An account of how Tom's best friend, Geoff, beat the draft during Vietnam
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Tom Neilson
Tom Neilson 2012

Fri Oct 19, 2012
Comedy : Political Humor
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» highest in charts:   # 12   (20,362 songs currently listed in Comedy)
» highest in sub-genre:   # 1   (969 songs currently listed in Comedy > Political Humor)
About the song
One of Tom's best friends at SUNY Cortland drew the number 4 in the 1969 lottery for the draft. The song is the story of his induction physical.
Lyrics
It was back in 1970 after the 1st lottery When Geoffrey drew the #4.
He went down to his induction, not knowing his malfunction
When the Dr. started to explore.
He had him cough, stick out his tongue, say AHHH,
Took his pressure, pulse, then the Dr. saw
When he went to Jeffrey’s scrotum To see how he did tote ‘em
He discovered that he only had one ball.

You see at birth one testicle was upended so only one of them descended.
Cryptorchidism’s what ya call it and it’s important to the army how you haul it
Flat feet & venereal infection, Esophagitis – all reasons for rejection.
But Geoffrey’s only flaw from his toenails to his jaw
Was a missing testicle upon inspection.

Oh he needed 1 more ball For the army protocol
His testicular action was only a fraction
If you’re gonna do some killin', two gonads must be chillin'
When tour of duty calls, you gotta have the balls

Now you can be all you can be if a technicality
Under examination doesn’t get detected
Cause if your anatomy has peculiarity, it’s probably gonna leave you deselected
GI function abnormality schizophrenic psychiatric history
And in your underwear, you gotta have a pair to be in army uniformity.

Oh he needed 1 more ball for the army protocol
His testicular action was only a fraction
If you’re gonna do some killin', two gonads must be chillin'
When tour of duty calls, you gotta have the balls

The Dr. said he could sign a waiver. Geoff said, “Doc, don't do me any favor.
You know all about my jewels & there's a reason the army has these rules.
I’ll take that 4F classification. 2 balls you need to go warrin for the nation.”
Yes he didn’t have the package hanging in his sackage.
He could’ve served his country but, he needed 1 more nut.

Oh he needed 1 more ball For the army protocol
His testicular action Was only a fraction
If you’re gonna do some killin', Two gonads must be chillin'
When tour of duty calls, You got to have the balls