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Damn Kitten
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Written by Matthias, Recorded by Below Average Dave
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Matthias (writer)/B.A. Dave (Singer)
Thu Jan 15, 2009
Comedy : Parody
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Charts position
» highest in charts:   # 69   (20,423 songs currently listed in Comedy)
» highest in sub-genre:   # 18   (2,419 songs currently listed in Comedy > Parody)
I bought a kitten
I was robbed blind (Not my best find)

At first was smitten
It purred in my hands (Had evil plans)

Mauled through the pet cage that held him
And he jumped right through the car’s window
In the slums where I await the bums and gun shots I’ll find
Screaming “I had him for five minutes!”
Found with a bum who’s wasted
I paid him, still I’m bi***in’

Feel the claws in you skin
This cat will jump up and bite me
Makes me want to hit the gin
Need some help, need some help
I hear a growl and a hiss
Swear I think this cat is broken
He’s possessed by evil demons
A stray if he commits more sins
I’m stressed due to this kitten


Oh, no…

He’ll need morticians
Clawed through phone lines, near six hundred times

My home’s condition
Is like an Earthquake (He made all I own break!)
No, no, no

Ship him in a locked cage to Neptune
Give him to a crazy widow
Give my son and his tramp date a gift with Christmas card signed
”Love you, good luck he is now your pet”
Freedom’s so close I can taste it
Feline won’t stop it’s mission…

Claws are back in your skin
No one else can take him from me
Till he’s dead you’re stuck with him
Need some help, need some help
For great advice I’ll pay tips
Maybe sell him to some Asians
Or just drown him in the ocean
Today is where this torment ends

But my hate just won’t quit
Left a dead mouse inside my shoe
Scratching holes in my linins
Still need help, still need help
He ruined all of my chips
What the hell is this cat smokin’?
Now my plasma screen’s ripped open
Today all of this horror ends…
“Here Lies The Damn Kitten”


Loading up my 12-guage aimed at him
As he rushes through a dog show
Then he runs right through my legs as hound dogs follow behind
Knocking me down onto a dachshund
I’m red and so very pissed off
Don’t care about what happens!

Swear I see that cat grin
After he has chewed through my shoes
Trying to make me meet my end
Go to hell! Go to hell!
And don’t make any side trips
This cat is the spawn of Satan!
From now on it’s just Dalmatians
I refuse the damn feline wins

I ran off to Berlin
I got nuts just when I hear “Mew”
Tossed that cat in a trash bin
Life was hell, life was hell
But now I’m free of his grip
Open window the cat hopped in
Now my tears will need a-mopping
From Petsmart bought Dobermans
To chase down that damn kitten