A satire on the country music scene

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Well, you see I know these would-be Country stars... and, to be truthful, for a moment I was one myself :) That's me in the picture by the way - in the Crown Hall, Mendocino, around 1981. Pretty funny clothes for a lad from Wimbledon - but then I used to love to dress up in cowboy gear and was a big fan of Roy Rogers :) The fabulous pedal steel is played on this cut by Tommy Quinn and the harmonious harmonies are sung by Lawrence Bullock. I think Congo plays the bass ... memory is dim...

Well I'm a clean livin' boy from the heart of the country
and I grew up dreamin' of the Grand Ole Opry
and I didn't like farmin' but I did want a shiny car
and I figured if I learned a little guitar pickin'
and I sang a song or two about losin' and cheatin'
that somebody'd come along and make'a me a country star..

Well five years later I was strummin' and pluckin'
had a fistful of songs about fightin' and a lovin'
had rings on my fingers and a hat and a big guitar
but it wasn't really payin' and no-one was listenin'
and the crowds was a'drinkin' and a'shoutin' and a'hissin
and I knew I'd have to get a band if they was gonna hear me at the bar...

Country Star! I'm gonna drive that shiny car!
Country Star! I dunno where I'm goin' but I sure hope it ain't too far!

Well I found a steel player and a bass and a drummer
and I got me a van with a roadie and a driver
cause I didn't know a microphone cable from a radiator hose
soon we was leapin' round the stage in a tangle of spaghetti
and losin' all our money like so much confetti
till I found my damn drummer puttin' half of it right up his nose

So I fired that drummer - got a rhythm machine
and saw that all my other players was squeaky clean
I got two A.A.s and a born-again Christian and a Jew
I got computerised mailin' for my fans that was waitin'
got a fast talkin' lawyer and a Nashville agent
and I kept it all together with a pretty little Apple 2...

Country Star! I'm gonna drive that shiny car!
Country Star! I dunno where I'm goin' but I sure hope it ain't too far...

Well we worked so hard all we ever did was travel
playin' every country bar from Miami to Seattle
and we figured any day we'd be richer than Onassis ever dreamed
but by the time we'd done our taxes and deducted our expenses
paid the lawyer and the agent and come back to our senses
we hardly had the money left to buy another cone of ice-cream

Now playin' the same damn songs for ten years is murder
but my records is sellin' like McDonald's hamburger
and I swear any day I'm gonna buy me that shiny car
but I'd pack it all in for a few country acres
and a porch with a swing - and a bunch of good neighbours
and we'd sit around all night just gazin' at them country stars...

Country Star! I'm gonna drive that shiny car!
Country Star! I dunno where I'm goin' but I sure hope it ain't too far!

Country Star! I'm gonna drive that shiny car!
Country Star! I dunno where I'm goin' but I sure hope it ain't too far!