© Merv Webster
Author: Merv Webster
THE PAY DAY DILEMMA
Old Ned sat in the waiting room of Doctor Percy Tree,
His bruised frame was a mass of cuts awaiting surgery.
It was a sore and sorry sight that staggered in that night
And used to Ned's wild drunken sprees, Perc guessed he'd picked a fight.
"Another pay day scrap no doubt?" the medic asked of Ned,
Who vehemently denied the charge by shaking his old head.
"Now Doc. that's libellous kind of talk 'cause just for once old mate,
I left the pub 'round eight o'clock and in a sober state."
"Intent on getting home I was to pacify the cook,
For Perc you know Maud's vicious tongue surpasses some right hook.
But as I took the short cut home along the Deadman's Creek,
I sensed a certain urgency and things were looking bleak."
"At first my pace was just a jog, but then a full blown sprint
And all the while I uttered threats no poet would dare print.
Two steps inside the front yard gate, I hurdled Maud's dog Blue,
Who took me for a crummy crook and tore me strides in two."
"In haste to flee Blue's drooling jaws, I sadly failed to see,
Maud's cockatoo upon his perch, who always hated me.
A mass of cuts from cocky's claws and bites from Blue besides,
I frantically fought both them off and lengthened out my strides."
"The downstairs loo was just ahead, relief was now in view,
But stumbled on Maud's old black cat which then attacked me too.
His claws sank deep into my leg; the pain was agony,
Though grasped the loo door's handle, while I kicked the moggy free."
"With beads of sweat upon my brow, I quickly slammed the door
As what was left of my torn strides dropped down upon the floor.
My poor old ticker beat like mad; my limbs were racked with pain;
And vowed that I'd stay down the pub when pay day came again."
"Then as my heart rate settled down, my frame found some relief,
But as I glanced down to my right, I stared in disbelief;
For crawling through the rear wall where there was a large hole
Came Maud's old pet goanna, Bert, who's hide was black as coal."
"His beady eyes surveyed the scene; his tongue flicked in and out,
While I just sat there motionless, for there could be no doubt,
The slightest movement or a noise would force old Bert's escape
And trees were often his first choice or something of that shape."
"Concerned my aching limbs might prove to be the shape he sought,
I hardly dared to breathe at all and sat there quite distraught.
The stand off proved to be intense, my mind could take no more;
That's when old Maud came on the scene and bashed upon the door."
"'That you in there?" came old Maud's cry, which sent old Bert berserk;
And sure enough those great long claws were madly now at work.
At first the pain shot up my leg and then my gut and chest;
His front claws fin'ly found both ears, his hind claws found each breast."
"The fight between old Bert and I sure caused a mighty din,
Then as the loo door opened wide old Maud stood peering in.
She thought Bert bagged an old pervert, so joined him in the fray
And as she beat me with the mop, I'm sure it made her day."
"Attempts to make my getaway were foiled by my torn pants,
Which sent me tumbling to the floor, and as Maud took a glance,
She recognized beneath the blood the frame of her old Ned,
Then rushed me here, a sorry sight, afraid I might be dead."
"There has to be a moral Ned," suggested Percy Tree,
"To what has happened here tonight, now Ned what could it be?"
"I guess Maud's expectation is, on pay days I'm home late,
So no more early nights for me, I'll just accept my fate."
©Bush Poet and Balladeer